Gender Variance?

by jerry leach

What’s the cause for gender identity variance? Explain it we must, for without an understanding of the “root causes” we are left adrift upon an endless sea of speculation, preposterous/untrue theories, victimization, and yet untold emotional suffering. A well known Catholic Priest, Ted Dobson says, “There is a ‘tear’ in the masculine soul – a gaping hole or wound that leads to a profound insecurity. The German psychologist, Alexander Mitscherlich, has written that society has torn the soul of the male, and into this tear demons have fled – demons of insecurity, selfishness, and despair. Consequently, men do not know who they are as men. Rather, they define themselves by what they do, who they know, or what they own.” 1

Men with transgender/homosexual disorders will typically experience very similar backgrounds in the development of their social family history. I was told in a recent consult with a 60 year old transsexual male that most everything included in my own personal story was replicated in his own life’s story. And, as we compared life’s events, he was right.

Others are careful to point out where they differ from “the others” in our website, which they then believe underscores their own special uniqueness, which in their mind sets them apart from the others. Obviously, there are many factors which enter into a person’s life, finally producing the person with gender confusion. To say that everyone will pass through a standard series of events in order to be finally classified as transsexual is too simplistic, for certain. However, having said that, it is interesting to hear about all of the similarities which do exist with the finally accepted diagnosis of “gender identity disorder.”

The reasons for gender confusion are as many as there are gender-confused-people. But in each circumstance there is that “tear in the human soul.” There is a growing longing to be like the opposite gender in dress, behaviors, attitudes, interests, and relationships. I say “growing,” for it evolves as a person experiences life. In most cases, it is not a sudden self-realization erupting from nowhere; but it is rather a slowly evolving self-understanding which is silently incubating from very early childhood, most usually prior to the child’s fifth birthday. The Roman Catholic Church has for centuries known that the foundational years for a child is from birth to age seven. “Give us a child until he is seven and we will have him for life.”

Manhood is not something we males are to seek after. It is instead something that seeks a male-child. But we males have been too busy running away from what has been socially demonstrated as the masculine for us in our Westernized culture; knowing instinctively that manhood is not, nor can it ever be realized in the things we own, the people we know, or by what we do.

“For too long, the image of manhood in our culture has been corrupted by the model of the “seeker,” the perpetually dissatisfied lone-wolf cowboy, space jockey, motorcycle rider. The one primarily oriented toward seeking, however, is most likely to hold in his mind, even subconsciously, an image of the object or state of mind he desires. The seeker’s focus, or lifestyle orientation, tends to reflect his own self-serving human nature instead of God’s image or desire for him.

In our secular culture, advertising is quick to provide such human-centered goal images: the truck, the cigar, the beer, the bikini model, the victor! But the very vitality of the advertising is based upon our dissatisfaction and insecurity, for the securely satisfied customer stops buying. The world therefore fears the man who is secure in his manhood, because he cannot be manipulated into buying its trucks and beer as a means of securing it.”2

This is an actual sampling from our research which attests to the many similarities found among the gender confused. Take a look into the "cooking pot" of ingredients which produce the final recipe for a meal of a lifetime. See if you can personally identify with them.

Things in Common Among Transsexuals. Out of a sampling of 80 personal interviews with full-time pre and post-operative transgendered males, the things held in common by them are:

* A distant or absent father-figure while growing up
* A very involved mother
* Perfectionistic tendencies that obstruct inner peace
* An inner sense that his masculinity does not match that found in others.
* Private, self-conscious and self-isolated
* Considered a loner
* A real or perceived verbally abusive father-figure
* Questions regarding their real sexual orientation
* Feelings of gender/sexual in congruency prior to the age of 5 years
* Cross-dressed regularly before age 5
* More interested in girl's play up to the age of 10.
* Deeply conflicted by shameful self-accusations
* Steady discomfort for gender expectations imposed by others
* Have attempted to hide transgender feelings by hypermasculine activity
* Feel inferior to other men as a male
* Regularly experienced humiliation in playing sports
* Sense a more enlightened understanding of women than average or normal men
* Confused by abiding desires to relate mainly with women before and after surgery
* Experienced as a youth euphoric and sexual stimulation when cross-dressed
* Sexual excitement when cross-dressed dwindled after the age of 25
* Family refused to talk about obvious signs of transgender activity
* Entered the Military in order to "become a man."
* Felt that Marriage would eliminate or take significant care of the transgender feelings
* Macho type hobbies and behaviors have been used to hide feminine desires
* Have reasoned that having children would help eliminate feminine desires
* Have found that religious fervor/evangelicalism to not significantly change feelings
* Seriously considered or acted out suicidal attempts
* Homophobic: fears that he is really a latent homosexual
* Married a Christian woman
* Attempted some form of spiritual exorcism to get rid of perverse demons
* Have nearly despaired of God really having the ability to change this condition
* Has experienced a sense of failure at his professional career
* Came "out of the closet" and began hormones and preparation for SRS after 45
* Sensed that he was not really wanted, or extremely ill-timed when born
* Sister or girls attracted more attention from Father than he did
* Has previously been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
* Is presently on a psychiatric medication for a nervous disorder
* Struggles with bouts of depression and anxiety
* Is not convinced that God truly loves him
* Angry at God for allowing transgendered feelings to be a part of life
* Felt separated from one or both parents
* Experienced childhood sexual abuse/experimentation by an older male
* Suffers from problems related to addictions* Has found Christianity ineffective in changing transgender feelings
* Difficulty talking to God when alone
* Generalized distrust in men
* Uncomfortable with and among heterosexual men
* Has great difficulty in finding and keeping a close male friendship
* Difficult to stand up for himself or his convictions, even when he is right
* Very uncomfortable in direct confrontational settings
* Passive
* Avoids conflict at all costs
* Masturbation was an associated problem with cross-dressing in teen age years
* Seeks leadership positions to gain people's respect
* Generally very poor self-image
* Harbors a sense of self-hatred as a male
* Notices a change in self-view and a freedom in relating more openly in social interactions when cross-dressed.
* An abiding sense of guilt and fear in being exposed and publicly humiliated
* Has never experienced lasting freedom from transgender issues
* Thinks negatively about his gender at least once a day
* Believes that women have a better and happier life
* Desires to receive the non-sexual love, acceptance, esteem of another male
* Admits that deep inside himself that his transsexual feelings are not biologically caused
* Has at least fantasized about having sex with a man while in the female role
* At whatever age ... would prefer to be a female

How important it is that a boy knows when he “became a man.” But there is no such moment of reckoning in our culture. What do we have as an American/Westernized culture that defines a boy as a man? Well, we can drive a car when becoming of age.

We can join the Army, or go to Iraq. We can drink ourselves into oblivion. We can ingest harmful chemicals into our lungs, and abuse women. “The message is then clear: we are lost males, all of us; cast adrift from the community of men, cut off from our masculine heritage – abandoned to machines, organizations, fantasies and drugs.” 3

In amazing contrast Dalbey sites a common initiation rite as a boy living in Nigeria. The revelation contained within that customary exercise profoundly impacted my life. Here is the account:

“In the rural village where the son lived, the father, who often has several wives, lives by himself in his own hut, while his wives each have their own hut nearby. A boy lives with his mother until he reaches the proper age, usually about eleven. Then, one evening the village elders and the boy’s father appear outside the mother’s hut, together with a drummer and a man wearing a large mask over his head. The word for ‘mask’ is the same as that for ‘spirit”; so as the masked man steps out first from among the men both to call the boy out and to usher him from the mother to the men, the spiritual dimension of manhood is understood from the outset as primary and essential.

At the signal of a sharp drumbeat, the mask/spirit approaches the mother’s door, dancing and shouting, “Come out! Come out! After several retreats and then thrusting forth to announce his presence and intention, the mask/spirit rushes the mother’s door and beats upon it loudly: Bam! Bam! Bam! “Come out! Son of our people, come out!”

Eventually – perhaps after two or three such “approaches” by the mask/spirit – the mother opens the door tentatively, shielding her son behind her. At this the elders and the father join in the chant: “Come out, son of our people, come out!” Significantly, the mask/spirit does not enter the mother’s hut to seize the boy, but rather waits for him to step out on his own from behind his mother. Louder the elders chant, sharper the drum beats sound, more feverishly the mask/spirit dances, and more firmly the mother protests – until finally, she steps aside. It is the moment of truth for every boy in the village.

Standing there before the threshold of his mothers’ house, he hesitates. Beside and behind him holds all that is tender and reassuring and known and secure. Before him, and within him, cries out all that is mysterious and sharp, and true. “Come out!” the men shout. Hesitantly, wanting but not daring to look at his mother, the boy steps forth from the dark womb of his mother’s hut into the outside – born again, this time the child of the father. At once the mask/spirit seizes his wrist and rushes him over to the father and the elders – lest in his fear he have second thoughts – where he is joined with the other boys called out for that year’s initiation. Behind him, a wail of mourning breaks forth from his mother; the men around him burst into a victory shout. The drummer picks up the sharp and decisive beat, and the group moves on to the next boy’s hut. Once gathered, the group of boys is led out of the village to a special place in the forest, where they are instructed for the next two weeks. Manly skills from thatch roof construction to hunting are taught first. Then the boy enters into a period of fasting for several days, thus turning the focus from physical satisfaction to spiritual discipline. During this time, the boy is circumcised and while he is healing, taught clan history. Upon returning from the wilderness ordeal, the boy is regarded as a young man; when he enters the village, his mother is not permitted to greet him. He proceeds directly to his own house, separate from his mother’s; that evening he receives from his father a gun, a piece of farmland, and a hoe – his stake with which to establish his manhood in the clan.”4

For a healthy masculine to be developed, a boy is called forth from the world of the mother by the man in his life. That distresses me, for I know how difficult it is for the fathers of our culture to call forth their sons because the fathers themselves don’t have much of a clue what is entailed to accomplish such a feat. “Masculinity is bestowed. A boy learns who he is and what he’s got from a man, or the company of men. He cannot learn it in any other place. He cannot learn it from other boys, and he cannot learn it from the world of women. The plan from the beginning of time was that his father would lay the foundation for a young boy’s heart, and pass onto him that essential knowledge and confidence in his strength. Dad would be the first man in his life, and forever the most important man. Above all, he would answer the question for his son and give him his name. The Question that every little boy is asking is this: “Do I have what it takes to be a man?” The answer is “Yes!” The affirmation that every little boy needs to hear is this: “I am so very proud of you and you definitely have what it takes.”

Masculinity is an essence that is hard to articulate but that a boy naturally craves just as he craves food and water. It is something passed between men; the masculine presence gladly bestowing upon his son that “atta-boy” affirmation. The problem in our society is that Dad is usually not around physically, emotionally, spiritually, because Dad’s are trying to keep the bankbook afloat to pay the increasing bills, which leaves our sons floundering in a “fatherless generation.”5

To fill in the terrible gap, mothers then try to make up the difference in their style of feminine relating; leaving the son adrift and horribly lacking in a secure sense of his “true masculine,” that magical potion of what Dalbey calls, “the brown ooze,” which can only be exchanged from male to male.

Basic Definitions (these are obvious definitions for the male only, but they can be used to understand women, too. Just super-impose each in the opposite explanation and you see the similarities.

Here are some of my very basic definitions to get you started on understanding how signally important are the “nurturing aspects” involved in the development of the child’s sexual/gender identity. The longstanding “Nurture vs. Nature Debate” continues to be argued. But credible, non-politically motivated studies, currently expose the myth and outright pies generated by those who desire to remove personal choices as a credible cause for their emotional brokenness. How irresponsible to blame God for what are our choices.

The Male Homosexual has all-too-typically been raised in close proximity to his mother. He is often referred to as “the kitchen window boy,” who envied the other boys outside playing baseball, while he was inside the kitchen helping Mom. She is not the “mystery” since he has been for the most part around her and learning how to do life from her feminine example. It is so often the case that the male homosexual has been socialized mainly by the girlfriends he has had while growing up. So, when the normal testosterone levels “kick-in,” and his desire for intimacy & sexual contact is begging expression, he will naturally gravitate to the person who is yet a “mystery” to him, namely the appealing, available, equally damaged male. He is still trying to bond with the masculine, since he never received his validation as a man by the most important man of his life, his Dad. So, he desires to become intimate with an equally devastated male for his sense of being accepted, wanted, and loved.

The Male Transvestite (“across vesture”). This person feels even worse about himself as a male, finding immeasurable personal solace, euphoria and comfort when dressed in the attire of the female, the symbol of womanhood. He is conflicted in his own masculine sexuality; finding more arousal, stimulation, satisfaction and peace when in command of the means by which intimacy is accomplished, namely by cross-dressing when alone. He will not generally desire to live full-time as a woman, but rather escapes his present lonely, dissatisfying reality with a exotic feminine fantasy; found in crossing sexual/gender lines through episodic cyclical behaviors which bring relief. He is content in being self-contained, not really needing anyone to aid him in attaining emotional & sensual relief. He is truly an island unto himself – often, very threatened in his own manhood, and fearful of being hurt by reaching outside of himself for relationship and connection and help. Shame and fear of being exposed keeps him bound and alone.

The Male Transsexual: feels very incongruent within the deepest regions of his soul and person. He will express feeling like a horrid mistake has taken shape in that he becomes increasingly convinced he is terribly miscast within a “wrong body” from the time of his birth. “I am a woman trapped inside of a male body,” is their commonly expressed malady. He finds it far more appealing and satisfying to be entirely self-contained; both the male and the female, which ends in his solo impassioned quest for sex-reassignment surgery, (SRS)... thinking that radical surgical/medical transformation (called ‘transition’) will bring him into his long-awaited and coveted congruent self, knowing that his desperate act is the most valid expression of who he feels he really is and should have been from birth. That is why the transgender community loves the term, “True Selves.”

The Crossdresser: is the man who experiments wearing women’s clothing, receives incredible pleasure from the momentary experience addictive/compulsive through masturbatory activity, and attempts best he can to keep the entire affair as best kept secret. He usually does not entertain lingering thoughts or plans to transition into living as a full-time woman. He is usually married, has much enjoyment in sexual intercourse with his wife, but also wants to have the ‘best of both worlds’ by periodic returns to his secret shame. His cross-dressing is mostly energized and given life when he is facing various forms of negative emotions related to life’s events, such as:

Stress, insignificance, boredom, anger, inferiority, shame, demeaning experience, personal insufficiency, jealousy; or desires for power, envy of the perceived advantages of women over men, and generalized desire to escape manhood for just a little while, in order to achieve an emotional “high” and its response of sexual/sensual gratification.

Some men will steadfastly swear they never engage in physical masturbation when dressed; but I find out later, after they have decided to ‘come-clean,’ that they may not have actually manually manipulated themselves while dressed, but invariably experienced a physical or emotional ‘orgasm’ before ending their time cross-dressed. I use to say it this way: “While walking/swishing across the crowded fashion shop, lingering among the women in their natural habitat, the emotional excitement met a feverish ‘high,’ which was worth at least 100 emotional orgasms per trip. It was a most delightful experience to be repeated over and over again; a very addictive experience indeed!”

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1. Ted Dobson, “Healing the Tear in the Masculine Soul,”(SCRC, Vision, April, 1985.)

2. Gordon Dalbey, “Healing the Masculine Soul,” p26-27.

3. Dalbey, Healing the Masculine soul, p. 52.

4. Dalbey, ibid, p.51-52.

5. John Eldredge, Wild at Heart; Field Manual, p. 55.