Church Responds to Transsexuality

Dear Jay:

Your web site has been very helpful to me here. One of our pastors and I (Director of Women’s Ministries) are needing your help if possible! I’ll give you a brief synopsis and pray the LORD will give you insight as to how we can best help “Jack dressing as Jill”.

Jack is a transsexual who has been attending our church this past year. (Man dressing as a woman). No matter how Jack dresses, he looks like a man (6’5” and heavy beard). Several churches in town have asked him to leave. We have been extending grace and welcoming him to the following: main church services, singles ministry and our women’s evening bible studies. We have set firm boundaries with designating a low use woman’s bathroom, not attending college group (he is 38 years old), and not attending our Women’s Fitness Plus Exercise Classes. These reasons have been explained to Jack: too old for college, and women’s/girls sensitivity issues. We do not know if he has had surgery or not.

We are frustrated in that Jack continues to violate the boundaries (i.e.: restroom use, going to the college group, talking about inappropriate sexual things in prayer groups). He shows up late, is inconsistent in attendance in all the aforementioned activities we have invited him to. When he does attend, he often gets up during bible studies and moves to the front or leaves early.

We have set him up with a counselor, but believe he has attended perhaps only 3-4 sessions this past year. We sense there are other mental health issues going on, but that is from both our “non” counselor opinions. Often his conversation is not in reality, so we gently try to bring him back to what is true.

Our women’s directional team has asked that we not allow Jack to attend. We typically resource women with severe problems to a support group or mentoring partner, so they ask, why are we allowing Jack to disrupt things? Good question. Jack believes the sermons and singles group sermons are over his head (that’s why he likes college). However, our women’s studies are very in depth as well. We have offered to him a small group basic seeker study, but he doesn’t really want that either. Many of our ideas are rejected. The pastor I mentioned has been very good in extending grace and yet holding Jack accountable. He had the bathroom/college talk with him this week, again. I would be willing to meet with him for a seeker study, but is that the best place for him?

Obviously, we need your help as to how to best minister to Jack and yet minister to our body as well. So I ask you:

1. What place is the best fit for Jack?

2. What are the best ways for us as leaders to minister to Jack?

Any insight would be appreciated. God bless you as you minister to wounded people. I thank God for your ministry. I’m praying for you!

Sincerely, in Christ,

Mary

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Hi Mary...and thanks for your inquiry. I do not have much time to email dialogue, but will say briefly these things:

I will give a brief synopsis: It appears that this person is obviously only interested in himself, extremely narcissistic...and intent upon ultimately doing his own thing; which is very common, of course. Boundaries are of the essence...and must be enforced.

Even if he has had the rearrangement of skin folds, to the point that his external mutilated body appears to be that of a pseudo female; he nonetheless is still only a self-mutilated male. He is still a "he." The essence of who you are in your genetics, anatomy, chromosomes, DNA., etc....do not magically change by the surgical amputation of that which once formerly defined him a male.

The essence of our stance is that he and we walk in the truth of who God made him/us to be; how that process was short-circuited, and what can be done to bring rectification to his greatly fractured soul is crucial. His obvious disregard for your standards, expectations, and kindness/grace... is a signal that he is only intent upon ultimately forcing his ways upon you. His lack of follow-through with counseling is another indicator of his true resistance to change his conduct, get well, and repent. His behavior is very disruptive and less than considerate of young and innocent lives looking on. I would suggest your reading the book, Bold Love, by Dr. Dan Allender, especially the chapter on "Loving the Biblical Fool."

Our position on this would be to expect him to show up on time, do the homework necessary, come dressed in his gender-specific masculine attire, expect to be called by his original masculine birth name, and never to use the women's bathroom facility under any circumstances. He is not a woman. He never can be a woman. Your women are being violated by his access to their inner-sanctum...by his "acting out behaviors." Each and every time he is permitted access to women and allowed to try to dialogue with them as a woman-to-woman thing, it is only feeding into his insatiable fantasy and confusion; strengthening his delusion. Women may be ready to engage him, feeling sorry for him, or thinking that consequences for his acts of rebellion are not appropriate since he is so needy, etc. Our experience has proven that a man who dresses as a woman will never change or get better by these extensions of ‘sloppy-agape'. He is dressing primarily as a means of escaping that which brings him emotional pain; and it is a horrid addiction and destructive behavior that will never be satiated. Truth-telling is of the essence. Bold, aggressive, masculine love is a must!

It is best for him to know that he will be in classes designed to help men deal more effectively with their issues, and finally own up to his hatred for his own failed attempts at manhood; his deep self-hatred & distrust of God's obvious will and intent in having created him male in the first place. Many of these things are discussed in my book, Flight Toward Woman...and our CD series on "Breaking Free of Gender Confusion," as well as TransGender Manual # 1. Does this help? I'm willing to discuss these matters on the phone via email prearrangement, so we don't play phone tag.

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Denise’s views about the women’s bathroom & other sacred places

I have read Jay’s observations on the sanctity of the Women’s Bathroom, Women’s social groups, etc. There are two specific items I’d like to comment on.

The first one is that of the Woman’s Bible Study:

I would find it very awkward in a Bible study with Jack attending. Women share insights and intimate incidents in their own personal lives to relate with in a Bible study. Jack’s presence would hinder, if not destroy the ‘feminine chemistry’ of the Bible study group. No matter how effectively he may think he is fooling women, it is just plainly very simple: ‘women know women ... and can spot a fraud immediately.’ It would indeed effect what would be shared in the group and that could and I emphatically believe would negatively effect the growing and learning that comes from a woman’s Bible study. His very presence would be stealing something from the women; while he would only feeding himself on the time spent at the Bible study for his own selfish needs and desires.

Entering a woman's bathroom....

If Jack was in the restroom what would he be thinking? Is he looking over the women to see who he desires to be most? Are his eye's filled with envy because he knows inside he will never truly be a real woman? Is he undressing the innocent women with his eyes and lusting after their bodies to be his? He is feeding off of the unsuspecting women and achieving his addictive emotional gratification by intentionally not honoring the sanctity of the sign which reads, "Women’s Restroom." His main concern only can be to seek some kind of self-serving endorsement and exotic high by sitting on the stool, rather than standing up to the latrine to help him get his addictive itch satisfied. How very sick.

When Jack enters a women's restroom he is lying to those of us in there. We perceive him as being female. He is stealing our feminine privacy. We believe the sign is clear and is there on the door so men will not enter. Only women are supposed to be entering into the women's restroom. He is most definitely violating my surroundings mentally and physically. He is male no matter what clothes, make up, or pseudo name he wears. If I were standing before one mirror while Jack stood before the other mirror, I would know he is crossing a distinct social boundary; and clearly violating me with his deceiving manner of dress. More troubling would be his lustful observation of my privacy; observing me when I put on lipstick, perhaps brushing my hair or pull up my slip. I prefer for no strange man to watch me do any of these personal actions. Jack’s invasive presence has stolen a safe and trusting place for women to be.

Jack would make it uncomfortable for women to be in their own gender restroom. Because of the Jack's in this ever-changing world, I find myself wondering more and more often, “Is that really a woman in the next stall?”

A man has no right to enter a woman's bathroom! If he truly identified and cared and respected women in a restroom as much as he cared about himself ... he would not violate women in this way. His intrusion only reveals his gross narcissism and lust-filled heart.

My sensible conclusion:

No responsible mother or father would want their young or teenage daughter to use a restroom if they knew Jack was in there. Whether parents did or did not know he was in there, he would be violating the innocence of the younger generation -- of budding women and their right to feminine privacy. Would the violation stop there? If he so carelessly violates their privacy by his willful disregard for the very intelligible sign on the door, will he then be empowered to do so in other ways? Or, are we chancing, even encouraging, further harm and intrusions to happen to all women of all ages by not enforcing common-sense standards as basic as “men & women’s bathrooms?”

Our permissive society seems only interested in not wanting to hurt the feelings of an emotionally-ill man wearing a dress in women’s bathrooms.

I simply ask, “Who’s feelings should really be taken into consideration?”

I would prefer and common sense would expect that my daughter and I could safely enter our gender-specific bathroom, and go there to accomplish what it is that women do while there, in strict privacy; never wondering about their privacy, or if there is a sex-crazed man in the next stall?