Trust in the lord with all your heart and
lean not on your own understanding.
(Proverbs 3:5)
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Pastoral Oversight
Oversight of Those Dealing with Transgender
Issues
By a member
of Help 4 Families |
Shock & Strategic Planning
What approach should you (or do you) take when you’re the pastor of a
member of your flock, who wants to change their birth sex status by
invasive surgery and harmful infusions of hormones intended only for
those of the opposite gender?
Perhaps the parishioner has previously met with you to inform you that
he has already had the sex-reassignment surgery and now desires your
understanding, cooperation, (if not total sanction!) ... in helping
the congregants adjust to his new role in society.
Do you allow the man who presents himself as a female to engage in the
programs of the women’s outreach of your church? Or, can he ... I mean
“she” use the women’s bathrooms with your wife and daughters? The old
saying is true: “women know women.” They readily discern that though
the person in the red dress looks and acts like a sister ... there is
something very, very wrong. How do you protect them, the innocent
children, and even the unsuspecting men from the charade of a “wanna-be-woman?”
... or do you even engage the subject, in the hopes that somehow it
will mend itself?
When I presented myself as a new potential female church member to my
priest, Rev. Father John, I didn’t mince any words. “Father,’ I said,
“I know that you are not aware of all the anguish a woman like me goes
through all her life, knowing that your ‘womanhood’ is mercilessly
trapped within the frame of a much despised male body.
The medical world refers to people like me as a transsexual, or one
manifesting a ‘gender-identity disorder.’
Since I was three years old I knew that I should have been born a
girl. Well, I have finally been able to achieve that lifelong dream
through multiple surgeries and have adjusted to my new roles very
well. What I want to ask from you and the others on the pastoral staff
is that you accept me in my newly-given gender role and allow me to
attend formal worship services, women’s functions, retreats, and be
totally assimilated within your congregation as a fully-functioning
female member. I will do all I need to become properly educated in
your church doctrines and will faithfully serve you as any other woman
of your parish does. Is that a problem at all?”
He didn’t even blink as he answered, “No, there is no problem within
this congregation with anything you have shared. We do not make such
matters an issue of concern; for we know that you belong to God and He
is helping you finally come to a place of inner-peace with who you
were initially supposed to be. We do not make issues of one’s chosen
expression of their sexuality or their choice of gender roles. You are
most welcome here.”
He then initiated a warm hug as I got ready to leave. As we parted, he
said, “Be sure to come this Sunday to the 11 o’clock service, so I can
personally introduce you to our visiting Bishop following the
service.” The service was very beautiful, especially when receiving
the Eucharist from my own Parish Priest. Interesting, too, was the
fact that the Bishop’s sermon was centered upon loving and embracing
those who were struggling to find acceptance by the established Church
because of their sexual or gender orientation.
He made it very, very clear that his own approach was that of Jesus
Christ: to love everyone and not condemn anyone.
Recently a minister asked, “I’m wondering what it is that I can do to
help Stan, a parishioner and very good personal friend, who is now
coming to our church functions dressed in women’s attire? He has
actually tried my patience by his blatant, unannounced attendance to
our woman’s Sunday School class. What do I do? What can I say without
sounding unloving and unsupportive of him; but he has placed me in
such an awkward position by not paving the way by forewarning me of
his recent decisions.”
Another minister wrote, “Last week one of the women on my staff
informed me that she would be leaving the church because her husband
is going to have sex reassignment surgery. She is taking their two
children and moving to her parent’s home in another state to get away
from her husband’s influence. He says he will pursue equal custody of
their two boys, and intends to tell them that they now have another
mother.”
Another very frustrated minister asked, “What can I do with my
associate minister, who has just confessed he is chronically involved
in cross-dressing and parading himself in the public as a woman. What
is there I can do besides dismissing him?”
A more than distraught pastor inquired, “Last week a nice couple came
into my office for pre-marital counseling. They have been attending
our church for several months. Jack tells me that he is really a she
and that she is really a he – that they both have switched their
sexual and gender roles in order to fit into a more satisfying
marriage.
They both claim they are supposed to have been created the other sex.
They want me to perform their marriage ceremony. Good grief! What do I
do?”
I do not know many pastors or clinical care-givers who would profess
they know how to handle these kinds of problems. Seminary and
University training does not adequately prepare students to
redemptively minister truth and grace to people exhibiting gender and
sexual identity problems.
A pastor or care-giver is one who has the tremendous task of helping
hurting people to find peace with themselves and God; and to live a
more purposeful life. The great dilemma today is the misinformation,
if not all-out-blatant misrepresentations of Truth, which leaves the
afflicted parishioner characterized as a poor victim. The popular
cultural endorsements and the Medical Communities
“blind-leading-the-blind” legitimization of applying surgical means to
correct a mental illness, is preposterous at best! The surgical
intervention taking place today is nothing more than what I refer to
as “the frontal lobotomy of the twenty-first century.”
One male to female transsexual exposes the Truth in a letter:
“Don’t be surprised if your case-load increases dramatically. The
long-held traditional screening methods for candidates for
‘sex-reassignment surgery’ (SRS) continues to deteriorate as so-called
transsexuals themselves take over the Mental Health Organizations and
their heavily biased promotional literature. Even the main screening
methods of the Dr. Harry Benjamin’s International Gender Dysphoric
Association is now made up of more transgendered individuals than ever
before. The truth is that the majority of the literature which guides
the Medical/Psychiatric Community in these matters is composed by the
transgendered population. Mainstream psychology and psychiatry has
been led to believe that psychotherapy and pharmacology have little or
nothing to say about this condition by way of helping to change a
patient’s orientation.
They firmly attest that this anomaly can only be “fixed” or “changed”
through surgical and replacement hormonal therapy.”
Romans 1:25 clearly states that it is common for humans to “exchange
the truth of God with a lie.”
Stop and think this through. Can you think of any other medical
condition in which the patient determines their own diagnosis and then
explains the recommended treatment plan to the physician? Why has the
Medical/Psychiatric Communities so completely acquiesced in their
acceptance of the “one-size-fits-all-mentality?” Could it be that they
are playing God by performing surgery (or mutilating viable human
flesh & skin-folds) in order to provide a remedy to what otherwise is
a hopeless condition to remedy?
At the core the real issue was so well described years ago: “All we
like sheep have gone astray; we have turned everyone to his own way.”
(Is 53:6)
And let’s not forget Mark’s injunction that certain behaviors make a
man unclean. Some of them are: evil thoughts, sexual immorality,
theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy,
slander, arrogance and foolishness. Take a casual look into the
transsexual Internet Website to see how each of these defiling
behaviors and attitudes are manifested. Then ask the transsexual
person how many of the above-mentioned behaviors have become a part of
their lives. Their response, if they are honestly forthcoming, will be
quite an eye-opener!
BASIC DEFINITIONS:
TRANSVESTISM (across clothing lines)
“A condition in which sexual arousal and eventual orgasmic pleasure is
derived by dressing in the clothes of the opposite sex. It can occur
in both homosexuality and heterosexuality. It is characterized by a
momentary desire to dress like and be accepted as a member of the
opposite gender in order to escape the present reality and relieve
emotional tensions. It is usually done within the privacy of one’s own
home and remains a most private and well-hidden fantasy life.”
TRANSGENDER / TRANSSEXUAL (going across established Gender Lines)
“A condition in which one feels inwardly incongruent in his/her
God-given gender role or sexual identity. Eventual attempts are
usually made to finally ‘correct the anatomical mistake’ through
increasing episodes of cross-dressing, ingestion of hormones of the
opposite sex, and eventual submission to irreversible surgical
alteration of their body and its secondary sex characteristics; such
as the removal of breasts from the female-to-male, or the male
genitals from the male-to-female transsexual. He will also most
usually have bilateral breast implants so he can more readily be
identified as a woman.”
HOMOSEXUALITY (Same-sex attractions)
“A condition in which one is attracted to his/her own gender in erotic
sexual and emotional involvement. There is a disinterest in emotional
or sexual engagement with members of the opposite sex. Members of the
same sex hold the emotional connection to one’s feeling genuinely
loved due to the other’s same sex love needs being unmet.”
GENDER IDENTITY
“Gender refers to one’s genetic sex, male or female, which is
irreversibly fixed at the moment of conception by the pairing of the
23rd, or sex-determining chromosomes (XX or XY. Hence gender is
biologically determined and can be discerned by the 5th week of
pregnancy by a simple blood test. Identity is more attributed to
psychological causes, or the product of how one views themselves as a
male or female. Put another way, a male is always a male and a female
is always going to be a female, no matter what disfiguring surgery may
occur. The psychological process wherein a person identifies more
strongly with one sex or the other is typically completed by the third
year of life.”
MIRROR, MIRROR, ON THE WALL ...
Ever since I can remember I have stolen many long looks at myself when
dressed as what I believed myself to really be; a woman named Betty.
‘Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?” Each and every
transsexual with whom I have worked has admitted that the non-refuted
answer to that question is, “Of course, it is me!” One of the most
helpful comments given to me by my own spouse was, “Well, to me you
look like a man in a dress.” That is why transsexuality is called
“gender confusion.” Physicians have modified that earlier,
nasty-sounding word, (“confusion”), by changing it to “dysphoric.”
Sounds nicer, doesn’t it? The meaning is, “anything that is not within
the normal range of what before was acceptable as ‘normal.’”
BASIC CHILDHOOD DEVELOPMENT
Basic understandings of childhood development inform us that a
person’s gender identity is primarily determined by a youngster’s
confidence and comfort with the gender with which he most associates
and identifies. The staggering truth is that a child’s gender identity
is fairly well established by the age of four years; before enrolling
in kindergarten.
If that is so, and it is, then you can imagine that the pain is
excruciating for the boy or girl whose gender identity is confused or
fractured. Their interior sense of being is sent into a constant
tailspin. It’s a foundational crack that is only discovered after the
life begins to crumble.
As Joe Dallas states, “Since our society places a high premium on
gender roles, your ability or inability to fulfill them seriously
affects your general well-being. Gender Identity Disorder is a
clinical term describing a serious conflict between a person’s
assigned gender (male or female) and his desired gender.”2
Dr. Friedman points out that feelings of being unmasculine or
unfeminine are common among such adults. He proposes that
unmasculinity, for example, is not necessarily femininity, but a lack
of confidence in a boy’s/man’s own ability to fulfill the masculine
role.”3
Transsexuality is not a genetically predisposed condition. It is
“acquired through interactions, perceptions, and responses. A secure
masculine or feminine identity usually develops through bonding with
an older figure of the same sex, usually the father or mother, and
emulating that older figure. When the father/mother figure is willing
to bond with the child of the same sex, this invites the child to
emulate and identify with the parent. The child will be inclined
toward this process, desiring it intensely, but avoiding it if he
feels unwelcome or unaccepted by the parent. Should that avoidance
occur, it could be the beginning of gender identity problems.”4
“Problems of gender identity then begin with the child’s belief that
he is unacceptable to the parent of his own sex, and therefore
unacceptable to all members of his sex. This robs him of confidence to
fulfill his gender role, having felt no invitation to emulate and
identify with his father or her mother, leading to acute feelings of
unmasculinity or unfemininity. These feelings are confirmed during
later development. So if a boy feels ill-equipped to deal with the
other boys through traditional masculine activities, which disrupts
his ability to bond with other boys, which reinforces his belief that
he is unmasculine.”5
The vast majority of over 1,700 male-to-female transsexuals with whom
I’ve worked claim that their relationship to Mom remained unusually
close in their childhood and continued to be so on into adulthood. In
fact, most classify themselves as “Mommy’s boys,” though perhaps
married and fathers. Much of the reason for that ongoing closeness is
because of the emotional connection and lack of normal individuation
between the mother and son. The profound biological dependence upon
Mother later becomes an abnormal emotional dependence upon her
constancy, nurturing care and protection, and comfort, symbolized by
that which best represents her; female clothing.
The insights found in Gordon Dalbey’s, Healing the Masculine Soul, are
many when it comes to pinpointing a man’s difficulty in effectively
separation himself from Mother. His relationships with women becomes
distorted, and obsessive, with fantasies abounding about how to
maintain the connection with Mother through crossdressing as well as
other compulsions.
Dalbey shares how he laid his hands upon a man’s shoulders and
“invited him to renounce the bonds of false dependency…and asked the
Lord Jesus to heal his insecurity from its roots in his mother’s
womb.”6 Leanne Payne cuts to the core in her book, The Broken Image,
citing that “A mother, overly protective and peculiarly or injuriously
intimate with a son – unless a strong and affirming father figure is
close at hand- can render a son unable to separate his sexual identity
from hers, and she thereby becomes part of any propensity towards his
homosexual (transsexual behavior) that might crop up in him” … which
creates “what I have come to understand and call a severe suppression
of masculinity.”7
Many more insights into the personal struggles of and remedies for the
transgendered are detailed in our Trans-Gender Manual #1. The wives
unique perspectives and issues are addressed in the written manual, “A
Wife’s Perspectives.”
The purpose of this resource you are now reading is not to make you
into some kind of “instant expert” on the subject. I would assume that
you are interested in gaining basic insights on how to proceed form
this point, in the hopes of not missing the mark for you, the church,
the private practice, or more importantly the transgender person and
their family members.
As a Caregiver you desire healing for the festering emotional wounds
of the transgender person and his family members. Your heart’s cry is
to find Christ-honoring resolution for the anguish of everyone
involved. As a Care-giver, you already have some of the most
well-prepared professionals who already have the basic tools necessary
to treat the emotional disorders characteristic in the
psycho-pathology of transsexuality. Some of the most obvious
medically-related conditions are Obsessive Compulsive Disorder,
Bi-Polar Disorder, Borderline Personality and Dissociative Disorders.
Transsexuals are dying from a condition they want you to think as
“terminal uniqueness,” but they are not beyond the changeability of
God’s great power.
“The reason the Son of God has been revealed was to destroy the works
of the devil.” (I John 3:8)
There are various steps involved to effectively move your person
towards a safe people and a safe place in which the work of lasting
restoration can be done. Deep secrets of the heart will be revealed.
Confidentiality is a must!
1. PROVIDING A SAFE PLACE
Your part is to assist your person in coming out of the cloakroom
secrecy and into the light. The main thing that the transgendered
person is attempting to do by his behavior is to heal himself and keep
his shame-filled activities a secret. Provide a safe healing place and
people where confidentiality and anonymity is treated as a sacred
tryst. That is not an easy tack in most situations, especially within
the established church. Christians do not typically have a sense of
safety in their own congregation so far as sharing their struggles and
sins. The provision of such a safe harbor is going to be determined by
the pastoral staff’s emphasis and effectiveness in incorporating
counselors, mentors and support group settings.
Muster the troops! Gather about your person a small group of truly
caring people of both genders who will genuinely love this individual
to health. Just remember the old saying that it’s not really how much
you know about transgender confusion that matters, it is how much
loving attention and careful listening you are prepared to give over
the long haul that makes or breaks the process. As Dr. Jennifer
Schneider states, “Recovery is best accomplished through a combination
of counseling and attendance at peer group support meetings.”8
Always keep in mind that this is indeed a process, which will demand
much time, patience, prayer, and effort. There just are not any quick
fixes to deep-seated sexual and gender identity disorders. Don’t be
duped by the many so-called “latest medical studies” that support the
continuance of the emotional malady. Every so-called scientific study
fails to prove anything other than a theory treated like a fact.
Darwin’s Theories of Evolution are now believed by the vast majority
as factual, are they not? That is exactly what is taking place with
so-called scientific inquiry today regarding transgender behaviors:
theories.
Providing a safe place and safe people in order to restore someone
trapped in this particular personality disorder and sinful behavior is
not easily done. The old adage, “We Christians are the only soldiers
in the world who shoot our wounded” is too often true. Ask the
“fallen” church leaders of the past decade to recite their horror
stories of being hated, disowned, and maligned by the very ones who
swore their undying allegiance to them just days before their
disclosure. The Church has a low tolerance for visible struggles and
failures. We have quite a task ahead when it comes to providing a
place of safe refuge for our struggling fallen comrades, especially
within the traditional church environs. But it is time for the church
to live up to its name and truly become a “sanctuary.”
I remember so well my conclusions after having attended my first
12-Step Recovery Group. I thought, “I feel as though I’ve been to
church for the first time.” Raw honesty and redemptive love does both
uncover and cover the worst of sins.
“Two are better than one because they have a good return for their
labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his
companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to
lift him up.” (Eccl. 4:9-10)
Laurie Hall, the author of An Affair of the Mind and The Cleavers
Don’t Live Here Anymore, shares some of the attitudes and practices
that determine if a church is safe or not. They are the following: 9
SAFE or UNSAFE: First let’s take a look at the “safe-healing
environment.”
1. Safe sees this as a manifestation of God’s glory about to happen.
2. Safe understands the difference between guilt and shame and focuses
on guilt and speaks the truth but doesn’t condemn or label the person;
while unsafe depends upon denial.
3. Safe offers hope by focusing on solutions to immediate needs; gives
support in tangible ways
4. Safe asks what will give life – willing to revaluate and look at
long-held beliefs that may need modification or adjustment.
5. Safe honors truth – provides a safe place for people to walk in the
light. Unsafe intends to keep things hidden so no one is embarrassed.
6. Safe operates out of the authority they have been given and leaves
the results to God; knows their limitations and refers out to others
when needed.
7. Safe recognizes the authority that comes from brokenness; respects
one’s own inner wisdom; willingness to learn from all involved.
8. Safe uses God’s name to bring healing and mend the wounded heart.
9. Safe works to restore families.
10. Safe demonstrates humility, grace, in place of authority.
UNSAFE
1. Sees the failures and limitations; uses labels; points out the one
part of your life where you failed and makes that identify who you
are.
2. Focuses on shame and looks for someone to blame.
3. Creates frustration by focusing on the problem: accentuates the
guilt and sin.
4. Focuses upon good and evil – emphasizes religious rules
5. Encourages people to be dishonest in order to remain a “club
member”. More interested in controlling behavior than restoring the
soul.
6. Feels threatened when you don’t respond as they think you should;
get ego needs met by “healing you” and good at retraumatizing you.
7. Thinks that only those who are credentialed through an accredited
course of study have something of value to say; no respect for people;
micro manage; know it all.
8. Uses God name to kick you out and justify violence against you.
9. Not above dividing families to prove their point.
10. Motivated by pride; unable to see their own weaknesses and needs;
“lord it over’ you.
2. PREPARE FOR SPIRITUAL CONFLICT
Understand this: “There is nothing new under the sun.” (Eccl 1:9)
Transsexuality is not a new phenomenon. It has been around as long as
men and the spirit world. The Old Testament references to the female
goddess of fertility, Ashteroth, is none other than what we are facing
today manifested in transgender confusion. Barry Wilding, in his
revealing report entitled “Feminist Christians Resurrect Pagan Goddess
Worship,” exposes the agenda of the emerging leadership of the
feminist and transgender movement, which is funded by donations and
support of many prominent churches in the USA.
This 1993 Conference brazenly expressed their origins and mission.
“Conference organizers heralded the gathering of 2,200 (feminists and
transsexuals) as the beginning of the Second Reformation; one designed
to rid the church of all sexual, racial, and class distinctions.”10
They applauded the work of 2,500 feminists of like mind who pledged to
“work as guerillas toward a religious coup d’etat that would replace
God the Father with the goddess within.”11
Donna Steichen pointed out that “ the ultimate feminist objective is
the obliteration of Christianity … an arrangement which has
legitimated religious bigotry, racism, classism, imperialism,
clericalism and all other isms you can think of.”12
Wildering further elaborated upon the mantra of the women’s movement
stating that “ their catalogue of cardinal virtues begins with pride,
embraces divorce and emphasizes such forms of sexual expression as
abortion, lesbianism, transsexuality, and contraception. Its liturgy
is that of the ancient Gnostics beholding their feminine image in the
mirror and worshiping themselves, drawing upon lesbian/transsexual
sexual desire as the main energy of the universe.”13
“More disturbing was the heresy expounded by the conference speakers
wherein they categorically denounced and rejected the concept of the
author of creation being a Father figure, and Jesus Christ being the
Son of God, mainly because they both are masculine. Instead they
worshiped Sophia as the feminine spirit of God form whom we have all
evolved.”14
“Conceived as the highest form of feminine wisdom, Sophia is an
abstract symbol in which female power, once actualized (a New Age
Term) in social and religious structures, is transformed into a purely
spiritual dimension. She is the active thought of God who created the
world …”15
Starhawk, the officiating leader for the Re-Imagining Conference is
quoted to have said, “From the earliest times, women have been the
‘wise-ones’ … and our woman-centered culture, based upon the worship
of the Great Goddess, underlies the beginnings of all civilization.
Alas, the Goddess has stirred from sleep, and women are awakening to
our ancient power.”16
I share these things to advise you that when you are dealing with
transsexuality, you are engaging in spiritual conflict against
principalities and powers, which demands ample spiritual oversight and
prayer backing.
3. EDUCATION & PREPARATION
You, or your representative, will need to spend considerable time with
the person. To best help accommodate the process; be certain to have
the person commit to meet for an indefinite period for regularly
scheduled updates, input and prayer ministry. You should plan on
setting time into your schedule for at least one year’s duration,
preferably once every week for this kind of one-on-one ministry and
oversight.
You would do well to hand the day-by-day care/oversight to others of
your flock, or enlist the aid of a small support group setting for
daily accountability and input. There are a number of helps that will
assist you to acquaint yourself with the basics of the condition. Some
we typically recommend are:
RESOURCES RECOMMENDED
Flight Toward Woman, Provided by Help 4 Families
“Cowboys Don’t Crossdress” –Provided by Help 4 Families
Desires in Conflict by Joe Dallas
Setting Love in Order by Mario Bergner
“Transgender Manual” # 1 – Provided by Help 4 Families
The Broken Image by Leanne Payne
Crisis in Masculinity by Leanne Payne
Healing by Francis MacNutt
“Breaking Free of Gender Identity Confusion” – audio tape series
Healing the Masculine Soul by Gordon Dalbey
Men’s Secret Wars by Patrick Means
False Intimacy by Harry Schaumburg
Inside Out by Larry Crab
Pure Desires by Ted Roberts
Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes
Don’t Call it Love by Patrick Carnes
Letting Go of Shame, by Efron
A very helpful way for you to become better acquainted with the
material in these resources is for you to assign them to your
parishioner, asking for them to recite back to you in both oral and
written presentations the specific points that they found insightful
and helpful. These resources, then, can act as an ongoing guide for
your future discussions and prayers.
It is also most beneficial for you to invite specialized guest
speakers to conduct training and equipping seminars for you, your
leadership team, and the congregation. Help 4 Families offers that
kind of expertise. We also help locate people close to you who may be
able to help in this regard through weekend seminars or educational
consultation services.
4. SECURING PROFESSIONAL COLLEAGUES
It is so important for you to work in conjunction with a Christian
therapist. This relieves you of the burden of trying to understand all
of the in depth psychological and social reasons for the condition and
being the “final word” for the person’s progress. We always recommend
that the professional therapist obtain a signed release form from the
client so that there is nothing hidden from either of you in this
process. You and the therapist working together can then provide a
comprehensive care plan for the person. In our opinion, it is best for
the therapist and the pastor to always work hand in hand in the
restorative process.
Many pastoral insights can come by having your person share his daily
journal record when you meet together. We recommend that you have the
person follow a five-point plan in the daily discipline of journaling:
1. This was what my day was like. (Include all struggles, temptations,
etc.)
2. This is what went wrong with my day. (Details and reasons)
3. This is what went right with my day. (Details and reasons)
4. This is what I could have done differently. (Specific details)
5. This is my written prayer about my day. (Handwritten and orally
prayed)
This documentation can also then be shared with the professional
therapist to help him/her better understand the spiritual components
in the person’s restoration.
6. APPLYING ABUNDANT GRACE AND TRUTH
The single most important thing you can do is to get your person daily
immersed in the loving acceptance of others who are grace-filled and
able to tell the truth in love. The church is supposed to be a place
of fellowship and intimate involvement. Perhaps this person is a part
of your church fellowship for the purpose of teaching your congregants
how to truly love. It is not by accident, nor is it a responsibility
too heavy to bear.
Casting off the desires of the fallen nature requires daily discipline
and stringent (not legalistic) accountability, ongoing prayerful
intercessions, and personal contact through family involvement. This
multi-faceted healing process requires the gifting of the entire
fellowship, not just the pastor or therapist.
The church is not intended to be a place for those who have no
problems. Every church member has their own unique problem areas. The
person in your fellowship who struggles with gender identity confusion
is just manifesting another way the human flesh exhibits its falleness.
Helping that individual to understand that he is not a freak, but just
another wounded sinner saved by grace is the main task at hand.
Labels have to come off! Do not allow the diagnostic tool of the
physician’s defining label to become the person’s identity. Don’t have
people define themselves by what they have done. They are so much more
and complex than any identifying label. Do not ever refer to your
person as a transsexual. Rather say, “You are fighting off desires of
the flesh which is something all of us have to do.”
Lies must be identified and dispelled with the truth! It is the
infusion of lies about God, others and oneself that produces the
neurosis. It is helpful to uncover through casual and reflective
conversations and prayer times the many lies the person has come to
accept as truth. Some of those lies sound like this:
LIES:
“I should have been born a girl.”
“Life would have been better for me if I were a female.”
“Women have it easier.”
“My parents would have preferred a girls.”
“My Dad always wanted a girl.”
“Living as a man is too boring.”
“God made a mistake and has given me permission to be a woman.”
“No one understands how I could be a woman on the inside of a man’s
body.”
“I have a woman’s brain and a man’s head.”
“Correctible surgery will make me happy.”
“Men are dirty and evil and only good for one thing.”
“God loves me to fulfill my fantasies in crossdressing.”
“If I were a woman I would not have been passed over for the
promotion.”
"Women accept me more when I’m dressed as a woman.”
“I can never succeed as a male.”
“My family will never accept me as a man.”
“I will never measure up to what a man is supposed to be like.
“I can never be able to survive if I don’t Cross-dress.”
“Cross-dressing is showing who I really am – a woman.”
What all of these reasonings demonstrate is the ongoing conflict
common to all Christians of accepting God’s way or demanding one’s
own. Every Christian believes his struggle is the worst. That’s why
there are so many hidden sins within the Body of Christ. We are all
potentially dying of terminal uniqueness. So the main ministry
involved is helping the person put to death the deeds of the flesh, to
run from sexual sin and confusion, and to cling to TRUTH in the midst
of temptation.
The Bible states the problem: “My people have committed two sins: They
have forsaken Me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own
cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.” (Jeremiah 2:13)
One common error we have discovered with pastors and caregivers who
are trying to minister to the transgender person is this: focusing
upon the cross-dressing or tentative plans for sex change surgery as
the major issue. Theses are not the main issues to spend time on. It’s
all a matter of basic Christian discipleship: “Who will the person
allow to rule their heart, Jesus Christ or self?”
Utilize your well-practiced skills in uncovering the: “root system” of
the condition. Understand clearly that this person has formed a
pathological relationship with a mood-altering self-manufactured
intoxicant/drug and behavior. The crux of the problem is substituting
an emotionally dependent relationship with Mother and that which
represents her (her clothing) in the place of healthy relationships
with other people, and himself. The person has formed an emotional
dependency upon a behavior (crossdressing), which as Nancy Groom
states, “At the heart…is an arrogant and fear-based refusal to rely
solely upon God, an unwillingness to rest in His Grace, to be
satisfied with His provision and to set our hearts on obedience.”
Do not spout the simplistic conclusion that repentance and another
trip to the front altar of the church is all that’s needed. The
person’s heart is desperately looking for a solution to his
deep-seated emotional pains by crossdressing. The flesh will always
have a prompt reply, although never working is essential to living a
healthy life. Larry Crabb’s book, Inside Out, affirms that “an inside
look must anticipate uncovering both deep, unsatisfied longings that
bear testimony to our dignity, as well as foolish and ineffective
strategies for keeping ourselves out of pain that reflect our
depravity. Each of us is a glorious ruin. And the further we look into
our heart, the more clearly we can see the wonder of our ability to
enjoy relationship alongside the tragedy of our determination to
arrange for our own protection from hurt.” All of this will take much
time and prayer to resolve. Start dealing with these matters:
• Seek to discover the reasons he feels so uncomfortable in his own
gender role?
• Why has there been such real or perceived rejection of his own
gender?
• Why does he feel so inferior as a man?
• What’s behind all the rage and anger?
• Why is he so bitter and obsessed upon idealizing the other gender?
• Where did the detachment come about with the parent of the same sex?
• When did deception begin to become commonplace?
• How about the distrust and anger towards God?
• What was the relationship really like with Mom and Dad?
Chances are that your person is focused upon “corrective” surgery. You
will find that any of your arguments, though sincerely and accurately
given, are less than fruitful. The idea is to keep your communication
lines open as much as possible. So don’t talk about or try to dissuade
him from having surgery.
Instead, ask what some options might be to the invasive surgery.
Challenge the person to seek healing prayer and in-depth counseling so
hurtful memories won’t be carried any longer, regardless of what they
choose to do in the future. Encourage long and hard looks at their
insides, as Dr. Larry Crabb suggests, “identifying your temperament,
healing painful memories, learning to ventilate buried hurts,
reconstructing the damaging impact of your parent’s mistakes, facing
destructive emotions and hidden agendas and bringing them under
conscious control.” (Inside Out, p.56)
Never accept the story given as the entire truth. Deception has been
the major factor to manufacture and maintain the fantasy all along. Do
not expect your person to "come clean” with you just because he’s
seeking your sympathies. Transsexuals have practiced their lines with
each other well before meeting you . Having “been there and done
that,” I can guarantee you that you will be told the most convincing
story in order to persuade you to cooperate with them. Discernment is
needed to tell whether your person is truly seeking help and change or
merely wanting to argue his point or gain sympathy and acceptance.
It is not meant to be demeaning when I assert that lies are
commonplace with those afflicted with gender identity disorders. It’s
just the facts! So be wary and wise.
One, which immediately confuses the caregiver and quickly wins
sympathy is, “I am a hermaphrodite or intersexed person, (having both
sets of genitalia) and my doctors recommend that I have surgery to
bring my inner personality into proper alignment with my reconstructed
body.” When you are told this story you would be wise in asking for
their medical records to substantiate the claims that a genuine
physiological/birth anomaly/ambiguity exists and can only be remedied
by surgical intervention. Do not accept medical records that inform
you of this without thoroughly checking their source of origin. It is
recommendable that you obtain a release of information request form to
enable you to personally confer with their physician. Transsexuals can
come up with all kinds of convincingly forged documentation in order
to get you to validate their neurosis.
Within your pastoral care there should be ample time for prayer
ministry. Saturations of healing prayer are most warranted. Having
identified the lie-based thinking, you can then begin to speak the
truth of God’s declarations to the wounded soul. Give much opportunity
for the Lord Himself to speak His Truth to the heart, too. Once His
Truth is spoken, heard, and appropriated healing comes and darkness
leaves.
What About the Relatives & Spouse?
One of the most perplexing things about dealing with the person
afflicted with transgender confusion is the need to provide guidance
for the immediate relatives and spouse. What do you say to the
bewildered wife who is shocked by her husband’s recent decision to
obtain female hormones and seek sex-reassignment surgery?
Should you arm her with all kinds of scriptures verses to combat the
evil deceptions? Do you tell her to leave him, or have him find
another place to live? What should she do when he comes home and
parades himself in front of the children as their “other Mom?” Is this
ground for separation or divorce or excommunication?
Many pastors have carelessly asked the wife where it is she is failing
him in her refusal to have more intimate moments? One minister said to
the distraught wife, “Sure, he is wanting to come to bed dressed in
your nightgown, but is this deserving such a negative reaction from
you?” He told her that perhaps if she were more sensitive, attractive,
or more femininely dressed herself, he would be satisfied. Maybe the
whole thing would be rectified if only she were more understanding and
tolerant? What approach would you take in solving the problem?
Our recommendation is that you turn the spouse and family towards
these resources:
“A Wife’s Response to Marital Unfaithfulness” Provided by Help 4
Families
Bold Love by Dr. Dan Allendar
Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson
Parents in Pain by John White
When Someone I Love is Gay by Anita Worthen & Bob Davies
An Affair of the Mind by Laurie Hall
The Cleavers Don’t Live Here Anymore by Laurie Hall
Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars by Marsha Means
From Bondage to Bonding by Nancy Groom
Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie
Living with your Husband’s Secret Wars, by Means
Do not try to tell the family and spouse what they should do. Do point
out that the behavior of their loved one is a major spiritual problem
-- (idolatry) -- as well as a deep-seated emotional disorder (gender
identity dissociation) which requires long-term therapy to ever
resolve. On top of that, the marriage covenant has been violated
(adultery) through the husband’s emotional and sexual encounters with
a woman of his fantasies, which is of course the false feminine
identity he assumes for emotional/sexual arousal and climax. There is
also the drive for same-sex relationships, so that his “being a woman”
is completed in the sex act. Therefore, we definitely sense that the
violations are many and must be handled with the greatest possible
care in order to ultimately restore the person to sanity and his
God-given gender role and spiritual destiny.
Close pastoral and congregational support is mandatory for the wife
and her family. Never permit anyone to convince you that this
condition is the fault of the wife. In most cases, transgender
confusion has been deeply set into the psyche and behavior of the
person long before they ever knew or met their wife. You can obtain
more information on this from “Cowboys Don’t Crossdress” and “How to
Minister to the Sexually Broken” provided through Help 4 Families.
Summary:
You as a pastor or professional therapist do not need to know
everything about gender identity disorders to be qualified to help.
Learn to depend upon each other within the church and readily enlist
others in the community of faith for this person’s restoration.
Don’t panic when you discover that someone is looking to you for help
in this area. Quickly delineate between those seeking help and those
who are not. Understand that they are desperate or they would not be
coming to you. When a person presents himself for pastoral or
counseling oversight for this incredibly shame-based and lie-based
neurosis, be assured that he is moving in faith and trust, most
probably as a “last-ditch effort,” since all previous attempts to get
better have failed. So move carefully, respecting the fact that God is
at work.
Expect an increase in the number of people coming to you with this
condition. It seems that more that the media and medical community
endorse these perversions, the more people seek help. Do not buy into
the myths generated by the medical and popular cultural norms. Depend
upon the love and conquering power of the risen Christ to dispel the
lies and replace faulty thinking with inner revelations of truth.
Make sure that you go about…
(1) providing a safe place for secrets to be told and genuine
redemptive love to be revealed. Be assured that as you enter into this
kind of ministry you will need to be…
(2) prepared for fierce spiritual conflict. In order to best
understand the heart and soul of the person, it is best to at least…
(3) obtain a rudimentary education of the psychological, spiritual,
and social reasons for the condition from the resources we’ve given.
Then it is wise to…
(4) secure the aid of professionally trained Christian therapists to
come alongside of you in the restoration process. Always keep in mind
that…
(5) Ongoing ministry to the wife and family requires great sensitivity
and close pastoral oversight by those in the church.
It is evident that the Lord is entrusting you with the care of another
wounded soul that can best be remedied by His abundant Grace and Truth
expressed through His Body, the Church.
What people need is other people who will love them to health. We all
need “Jesus with skin on.”
Used with permission
Help 4 Families
Other Resourcees available through Help 4 Families are:
Trans-Gender Manual #1
Trans-Gender Manual # 2
Trans-Gender Manual # 3
Trans-Gender Manual # 4
HIS & HERS’ Stories
Flight Toward Woman:
A resource designed to assist you in understanding the complex factors
involved in Gender Identity Disorder
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