The Pain

 The Pain

As a family member, you will find all sorts of questions going through your mind and heart. Sometimes you will question yourself about what you might have done to cause this to happen to your loved one. You may ask yourself the following questions… Where did I go wrong? How can I fix this? Where do I go for help? Who will truly understand what I am going through? Who do I trust? Why me? Why my loved one?

You may fear gossip and find yourself avoiding those who may ask about your loved one. The shame and fear you feel can leave you believing that you must bear this heavy burden alone. You grieve in silence.

You may begin to question how you feel on the issue you are facing, now that you have a loved one involved. You may feel lost, overwhelmed, angry, rejected, guilty, isolated, and depressed. In some ways, it will feel as if there has been a “death” in the family but with no funeral; no completion. The hurt goes on from one moment to the next. There is a mourning process that takes place for all of us who have seen husbands, fathers, sons, brothers, and grandfathers leave our family units as a result of the painful choice they have made; a mourning process with no closure.

Somehow, you have to pick up the pieces and go on with life. You will miss the person you once knew and had in your home but you must now acknowledge that this loved one has chosen a radical change.



No matter what religious, moral, or political beliefs you hold, you could find yourself in a position of having to deal with, and understand, Gender Identity Disorder or, gender-dysphoria, as it is sometimes called. When I first found out about my father, I remained quiet and hidden. That was my choice for 30 years.

I didn't know who to trust and so I trusted no one. I bore my spiritual and emotional burden alone. I felt sometimes as if I were drained of life. As a little girl, I saw my world through my Mom's eyes. She thought the world would hurt us if the truth were known. I followed her example and remained isolated and alone.

I know better now. Be wise and find someone you can trust. There are people you can seek out: a Pastor, Christian counselor, support group, online support group, friend, or relative.

As a little girl, I thought maybe I was causing my father to feel this way. I would spend time trying to think of ways to fix him. I thought if I was good, if a day could go by without him getting angry at me, if I just showed love to him, then maybe I could fix things and make my father into a happy father-man. It has been a lengthy process for me to overcome this feeling of responsibility I have carried since childhood. I also carried a huge weight for my siblings, particularly, my brothers. They were my brothers, born male, and I did not want them to begin to question their gender because of what our father did.

I came to realize that fixing my father was not in my power. It would take God's power. But first, my father would have to surrender his will and seek Christ's help.

This is an important concept to remember. Your family member is the only one who can decide to ask for help in recovery. I would not be so bold as to give anyone a recipe for how this should happen. Even after my experience, I do not understand just what it is that needs to happen within a particular person for them to reach out for help. What makes an alcoholic or a drug-abuser seek help?

If you have a parent who suffers with gender-identity disorder, don't be surprised if you, too, question who you were born to be. I questioned myself if I was born the wrong gender. I also wondered if my father had homosexual feelings, did that mean that I could.

Children are particularly vulnerable to struggles if their father cross-dresses or is a transsexual. They will have trouble with friendships. Who wants friends who may come home with them after school and find their father dressed as a woman? Or who would want friends over for a sleep-over? The child will feel safer if there is no chance of any of his peers finding out.

The person who tells their loved ones that they are going to have sex-change surgery is showing their true self-centeredness. They are putting themselves first and saying, “This is what I want!” They have left everyone else in order to satisfy their own desire. The family is no longer number one. Little or no thought has been given to the long-term effects this will have on everyone in the family.