Sharing from our own experience, pertaining to the issues involved in sexual and gender brokenness, especially those found within the confines of a marriage. From the age of three years, I knew that I was significantly different and that life as I was living it wasn't the way I wanted it to be; and I was determined to do whatever was necessary to make things different. I became involved in much sexual activity prior to my marriage, all of which was drug into our marriage.

There are many erroneous assumptions in marriage. One of the most common is that marriage itself will take care of the problem. "Yes, I've had this problem now for all these years and I've met this wonderful woman and now this marriage union will take care of my problem." This is not a good rationale for marriage; nor to ever be expected to do its magic, for it never will. That is just wishful thinking.

 

I had met this beautiful young woman named Susie on the college campus; and at the ripe ol' age of twenty, we married.

The way we look at ourselves is not magically changed by tying the knot at the marriage altar. The "I do!" soon becomes, "I can't." The root problem is not taken care of in a "normal sexual relationship, or by vows taken." I came sincerely into our marriage believing that it would give me a natural outlet and end to my life-long anguish. I was not trying to deceive my wife at all in this, because I had been entirely open with her before we got married that I had this problem, that it had been a dominating problem for many, many years, and that our mutual love and commitment would bring an end to it. Of course, she was so naive that she had to go to the dictionary to try to figure out what I was really talking about. Naively, we both entered into marriage, thinking that marriage would take care of all that.


TWO SIDES OF THE COIN

Susie: I saw that Jay was the one with the problem. If he would just get himself taken care of, all of my problems would vanish. He was the problem; he alone possessed the power to make it better. In retrospect, we have looked back to glean the things needed to help others out of their misunderstandings and unnecessary pain. We have taken a good look at both sides of the coin, and have discovered that our private experiences really did parallel each other. The fruit might have looked and felt much different; the root issues were very similar.

The first one was Denial. Melody Beattie in her book, "Co-dependent No More," describes denial as "ignoring information that I do not want to deal with." I think that is a nice and very simple definition. What most of us have spent our lives doing is warring against reality. For two decades we spent our energy and time warring against what was very obviously our reality.

DENIAL

I was in ignorance and denial. When I was a child I loved to play, "Let's Pretend." I found that when I got married that I continued that little childish behavior. I played, "Let's pretend that this will not happen again. Let's pretend that I'm not hurting so bad. Let's pretend that things aren't going to get any worse. Let's pretend that the power of my love will cause Jay to change." So, what would typically happen is that there would be a discovery that he had acted out once again; there would be a big blow-up; and I would say that I would not live with this any longer; that if this is the choice you're going to make, then our lives will have to part company. But then, reality would hit him and the fantasy would leave him. I would look into his eyes and see this horrible pain...and it was real pain. I heard him say most sincerely that the last person on the planet he intended to hurt was me.

So, I would then forgive, we'd reconcile, and he'd make promises and assurances that this would not happen again. Then, I'd just go back into my old routine. I wasn't a grudge holder, or one who would make life miserable for him in order to give him a taste of my hurt. I wanted our relationship to go on. I now realize that some of my "forgiving and the ways I handled my own denial was that I wanted "relief" more than I wanted "truth."

I felt relief when I could say to him, "I forgive you." I'd then naively think that everything was now going to be okay. In the same way, Jay found himself seeking relief instead of truth. Truth was what we both thought we were seeking, but it instead was a fantasy.

Relief was nothing more than a false-comfort. Insanity is defined as "doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result the next time." That's the story of our lives! We truly thought that as long as we managed to keep our secret just that, (our secret), it would somehow eventually go away.

I also did not recognize the progressive nature of sin. I did not understand that what he was doing would become more intense with every bout. Ignorance, sometimes purposeful ignorance, keeps us in the dark. There was a lot less openness in those days, far less known about it, and so much more shame attached to the behavior than is today realized. Nevertheless, we were both participating in DENIAL.

WHO TO BLAME?

Jay: The second main point is "Blameshifting." In Romans 2:1 says, "You who judge are actually practicing what you denounce." Blame shifting is an attempt to take the heat off; and place the blame on someone else's shoulders. I will blame my wife, my Dad, my Mom, anyone handy! That is rampant in our culture today. We argue, "Hey, my condition is due to a genetically designed flaw; so God is the one responsible for my situation."

”WOE IS ME!”

This keeps me then bound into a victim mentality.

·         "If my wife was just prettier, or didn't scold me so much;

·          or made love to me more."

That kind of rationale keeps our cycle going "round n' round." And as a direct consequence, the only way that we know to get rid of the feelings that are raging inside is to once more engage in the quick-fix; it's the only way we know how to get rid of it. Can you relate to that?

It is true that my Dad was not there for me.

It's true that my condition has many roots that reach back into my early childhood.

It's true ... but there finally has to come a day of reckoning when you say, "enough is enough!" I would blame God for not taking the conflicting emotions away from me. If I noticed any kind of momentary relief, the same feelings would again be in full-swing by the next church service. So, we draw the conclusion that God isn't there for me either. Yet, in retrospect, I can now see that I was steadfastly holding onto my core-beliefs and self-talk, and self-serving ways, all the while blaming my condition upon anyone standing near; including God!

When bumping into our friends, they would politely ask "How are you today?" My standard reply was. "Just fine, thanks! Never been better." Ha! I was dying on the inside. That first level of communication never got any deeper for fear of being found out for the despicable failure that I was. Then I'd blame the members of the congregation for making church the most unsafe place in which to tell your secrets. I'd accuse Susie of having blown everything out of proportion by drawing the line on the sand, saying, "NO! You may not do that and expect me to remain on this marriage." My thinking blamed her for trying to be a "Miss-Goodie-Two Shoes." If she ever attempted to stand against my deviance, it was common for me to really flare up and blame her for being the real problem. "Well, Miss Spiritual, don't you ever commit sin, or do things wrong?" The rage would spew out of my mouth at her, the very woman I loved so dearly; because she was daring enough to try to bring Godly correction into my life, and sanity into an insane delusion.

Susie: I also did my share of blame-shifting, thinking that if he'd just change then things would be fine. I didn't ever blame God, for my father was a wonderful Dad and I knew how to run to the loving arms of my Heavenly Father. I never became angry with God over this, but I did shift a lot of blame for my disease to Jay.

OUR IDOLATRY

The third misconception is Idolatry. Bill Gothard calls Idolatry, "Trusting people, possessions, or position to do for me what only God can do." I was looking to my marriage as the place where I would get my fulfillment. I had this particular view of what I had wanted out of marriage and I was going to get it, "Come Hell or High Water." So, I failed to establish appropriate boundaries, because I refuse to take a strong stand against sin, in my own life, or his. I called it a problem, or a struggle, or a difficulty, or addiction, or a identity disorder, or confusion. I didn't really say it was a sin-issue. Leanne Payne talks about "bent-relationships," describing it with her two extended hands leaning into each other, in the attempt to draw from the other person what only the Lord Jesus can really give. What God is in the process of doing is "unbending us so we can draw from Him and each other in mutually acceptable ways; not sucking the life out of each other; allowing the God of our salvation be just that! Idolatry is our bentness. There is bentness in all of us; just different kinds.

Our bentness is not unique. So, I was bent, with my idolatry of what a marriage was supposed to be like; while Jayl was bent in his own self-serving sinful form or idolatry.

He was bent into me to try to find his approval. When I would discover that he was again dabbling in his sin, he'd rush off to anyone who'd listen in order to once again convince me that he was seriously wanting this out of his life, and mine. He'd go to a counselor three times and convince me that they either didn't know what to do with him, or they were giving him full sanction to proceed further down the self-destructive course. So, we'd together hunker down into some kind of appeasement, only to once more make our peace our god...the god of peace at all costs. We should have forced the issue into the full light of day, but the shame, guilt, and fear of the consequences of such a move kept us isolated and easy prey for our mutual regard for peace at any cost.

Jay: Something that was a part of my deepest heart was the belief that I was not a person who could truly be loved for the person I am. That's the direct product of shame.

In many ways I made Susie an idol because I sought her approval more than I did God's approval. I also made an idol out of my behavior because it always came between me and my Lord Jesus. After I worshipped at the altar of Baal, I'd be left with remorse, not genuine repentance. I felt threatened by any kind of confrontation. I have found that in our recovery from idolatry and sexual sin, confrontation is essential. We typically view confrontation as our worst enemy, but it is really one of our best friends. To be confronted by what is really going on, what is reality, and to name it for what it really is ... is the very heart-beat of genuine and lasting recovery. One of my favorite Christian expositors wrote directly to this, saying,

"Some day, in years to come, you will be wrestling with the great temptation, or trembling under the great sorrow of your life. But the real struggle is here now in these quiet weeks. Now it is being decided whether, in the day of your supreme sorrow or temptation, you shall miserably fail or gloriously conquer. Character cannot be made except by a steady, cong continued process." (Phillips Brooks 1835-1893 - American Bishop.)

DECEPTION

Deception is simply that. In John 3:19, it says ... "This is the verdict: light has come into the world but men love darkness because their deeds are evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light and will not come into the light, for fear that his deeds will be exposed."

I really loved my darkness! Not 24-7, but when I needed to feel the warm embrace of the tease, the intrigue, the forbidden – I again and very regularly would bend my knee to Baal, and worship at the altar of self. I lived a totally double life, flip-flopping back and forth.

I legitimately wanted to be a good father and husband. I used my father's example as a model for what I wouldn't do in the raising of my son. And in many ways I firmly believe I was a good Dad to my two children. I believe I was a good husband, too. I wanted to be a solid man of faith in the living God. I wanted to be a man of God. But inwardly, down in the basement of my soul, I was rebellious and self-serving, tormented, thieving family finances, for what I wanted, when I wanted it, and fulfilling my carnal lusts. Lust is a monster in the belly, which rages for more meat. I was stealing money from my children's piggy banks in order to fulfill my perceived need. I now look at that and ask, "Really, Lord, is that what I was doing? That seems so inconceivable to me now...but it is true."

OUR PRIVATE SECRET

So, the private, secret double life is the next item to take a serious look at. Laurie Hall, in her penetrating book, An Affair of the Mind, said,

"When you are bound into your private world of sexual thoughts and fantasies, you can be in a crowded room of people, but shooting up your drug of choice all the while, without anyone suspecting what you are doing. There are no needle marks or exterior evidence to indicate the private party you are having in your lust-filled heart." Sunday morning was typically my worst day of the week. All the women dressed up to kill – was my Waterloo.

I did take advantage of Susie is good-willed nature, her ability to forgive and trust again. We who are addicted and compulsive will do such things without much of a twinge of conscience, for we are out to get what we want when we want it and will use anyone or anything to get it — NOW!

Susie: I lived a double-life, too. I always thought of my husband as being the one who lived a double life. I hid my pain from him. I would see the pain in his eyes and would think, "I don't want to add to his pain. He's in enough pain as it already is. So, I would hide my anguish in my good works, heavy Christian involvement, being a thoughtful neighbor, and would not come clean with others for fear of being discovered. My firm determination was fixed in stone: "No one will ever know the pain I feel, or the secret I'm hiding." I would do whatever needed to play act my part. I was determined and acted however I needed to act for whatever occasion was ahead of me." We were involved in a rather intimate Bible study home group as a young married couple. People really shared from their hearts and very intimately. We did, too, except for this one area. They thought we were the prime examples of vulnerability and honesty. They thought we were open – and we were, except in this one most significant, hidden part of our lives. The very thing that was killing our marriage and our relationship was the very thing we would not talk about, for the fear of what a disclosure might do.

THE MATTER OF CONTROL

There was also the issue of control. Control is sourced in fear. I was afraid of having to suffer the consequences of my husband's sinful choices; so I controlled my circumstances in order to keep the boat afloat. If Jay would become angry with me because I was making too much of a fuss about his choices, I would apologize and ask his forgiveness concerning my insensitivity to his pain. Of course, Jay was more than happy for me to back off amidst his tirade and fit of anger. I was afraid of things falling apart. I preferred to be in the predictable rut than take the risk of getting out there into the unknown waters of full-disclosure. So, I did whatever I could to comply and control my circumstances by my good-natured love for people. He'd become angry and cuss a blue streak ... and I would make sure the kids were not in hearing range. My way of life became making excuses for his behavior, his moodiness, his withdrawal – in the attempt to make him look like a model husband and committed Christian father and leader. A lot of it was motivated in self-protection and fear of being found out. I just didn't want him to be confronted or face the serious consequences he so deserved, because I didn't want to suffer the consequences.

We were in the same boat and I didn't want consequences, either. I excused myself by inwardly reasoning that in order to be the loving and devoted wife of my husband, I needed to be this forgiving, accommodating, humble, kind, patient and loving wife. My motivation for so much of my behavior was not Godly at all. It was just my effort to keep the boat afloat.

Jay: I controlled the environment around me by covering up what was really going on. I had a double life which required controlling her at all costs. Anger was a favorite method of controlling Susie's possible actions. If I would slam enough doors, curse loudly enough and scare the living daylights out of her, I was safe. I thereby could bring her under my control. Often, I would resort to flattery in order to win her heart back and keep her quiet. Enough flattery and flowers would then make her think that thing were again okay and she could relax. One time I sent Susie a beautiful bouquet of roses in order to once again pave the way; but she was further along in her own recovery by that time and she took the roses and gave them one-by-one to her friends as a gift from her to them. She was saying, "Roses will not handle this offense.

BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN

To briefly review, we were both guilty of these patterns:

*  We both were motivated by the fear of consequences.
*  We both practiced wishful thinking.
*  We were both skilled at practicing denial.
*  We both were well-practiced at deception.
*  We both had a hidden, secret life.
*  We both were well-seasoned blame shifters.
*  We both practiced control.
*  We both lived a double-life.
*  We both avoided living in Transparency and Truth.

THE WAY OUT

Susie: Now we want to talk to you about the way out. We've probably depressed you enough with our story. The way out does not happen overnight and cannot be properly done to the exclusion of others. The Body of Christ is given to us for the purpose of restoration and healing. The foundational reality may well be that in order to properly restore your marriage, you may well need to geographically separate, in order to give each other the space to heal. Most of us become very co-dependent and enmeshed in our well-practiced patterns and styles of relating; all of which get in the way of restoration.

Jay: We have to learn to pursue personal wholeness with an intensity like unto the passion with which we've pursued our lusts. We have sought our secret loves and found them to be the false gods of Ashteroth and Baal. Seeking Christ and the help He only can give must become our passion. We often blame the church for not being there for us when we needed them the most ... so what makes me think they will be there for me now? That is only the typical stunt of blame shifting, getting the heat off of our own backs. We have not felt comfortable telling the dear friends we have in the church, because we are so terrified that our secret will become a part of the prayer chain the next week. Admittedly that may be the truth for many. I remember going to an associate pastor of one of the churches we were a part of ... and took courage enough to share my struggle with him. I felt I could trust him with that. But that was not the case. He leaked out the information and scared me enough that I ran from him and the church as fast as my little legs would carry me – all the while saying "the Lord is leading us to another church." I vowed to never again trust or tell anyone in the church about my secrets. But, as I now look back at it ... I was running from real help, thinking that with a geographical move, my heart would change.

The problem was that wherever we moved, (and we moved a lot!) – I moved along with us.

God sovereignly had people in each of those settings who could have truly helped us, if we'd give them half the chance. God could have brought into our lives, the "Jesus with skin-on" to us in those church settings. But we refused to be transparent and honest.

Susie: I had to begin to pursue my own "Stuff!" My focus had always been upon Jay "stuff." That is where we start our journey as a wife. Our pain is coming from our husband's pain. If you exercise and as a result strain a particular set of muscles, your body will hurt in that location...and that will become your focus the rest of the day. You focus where the pain is. All of my focus was upon his pain. But at some point, I discovered that I had to focus upon my pain, in the same measure that I wanted Jay all those years to pursue his healing. "Jay, go get counseling; seek help for your pain." I had to come to the conclusion that I needed to pursue myself the healing for my own heart, in the very same measure that I wanted Jay to pursue it for himself. It sounds really simple now. But that reality was a along time coming for me. I just didn't get it! But, over a period of time I had become as sick as my husband. Over a period of twenty years adjusting myself and giving myself to his pain and the covering-it-over, I had developed a very sick heart.

I didn't like what I had become. Jay was addicted to his behavior ... and I was addicted to him. We were bent toward each other in a very abnormal way.

There is a "Shrinking woman test."

If you feel like you are shrinking and the other person is consuming most of your life, to the point you feel like you don't have any more space left for yourself and hardly know who you are apart from him...you are most likely in a very unhealthy relationship. You have shrunk! Over twenty years of living with Jay, I had shrunk and was not the same person. I had to come to the conclusion that whether he decided to get help, or not, I was going to find the help I required. I needed help for me. God had a destiny for my life that I was not going to realize in this sick relationship. I realized that I could not stand before God in the time of judgment and say, "I didn't do what you had asked me to do because of Jay." That just doesn't cut it with our God!

My heart was sick, mortally so! I feel privileged when I can share with other wives a little bit of my journey to help them come into their own awareness a bit sooner than I did.

I had to take personal responsibility for my own condition.

ADMITTING OUR POWERLESSNESS

Jay: The twelve step program states up front that we are powerless over this and our lives have become unmanageable. That's me! That's us as a married couple. Recovery is not an easy journey. There is much pain involved in the process. We cannot avoid that. We have to go through the pain and the muck to the other side. Remember the movie Shawshank Redemption? The main figure is imprisoned for twenty years for something he didn't do. He's spent most of those years quietly digging his way out to freedom. He's finally chiseled his way through the brick wall and climbed successfully down the rope to the sewage drainage pipe. It's a stormy night and it's raining. The rain is coming down in torrents and the sewage pipe serves as his escape route to the outside world, to his eventual freedom. He lets himself down into the stinky and filthy pipe, crawling his way to the creek and his newfound freedom from bondage. That is exactly what my freedom has looked and smelled like. So it has been for the both of us. There have been many times we have both had to cling to God asking, "Is this journey worth it, God?" The prison was behind him now and the only reason he could take the courage to crawl through all the crap was that he knew if he went back, it was prison. It was very clear to him that his goal wasn't his comfort or ease, but freedom at any cost! He had to keep going. And when he finally made it out on the other end, stood in the rain in the middle of the creek, he was finally free! Maybe you are just beginning to chisel your way out, but I tell you, it's worth the effort and trouble and pain. Pursuing wholeness is never going to be easy. And it literally stinks! We were powerless and really do need other people in the Body of Christ, in order to make it out. We need help.

EXPOSING OUR DARKNESS

Susie: Exposure is necessary for healing. That's what we fought against. Jay at least went to get help from others from time to time. I did not! I only once spoke to a pastor on the phone about our situation. I called him in my desperation and in the middle of my conversation, I thought, "Oh no! I'm telling someone about this. What am I doing?

Right in the middle, I brought the conversation to an abrupt halt, saying, "This information is entirely confidential. Never tell Jay that I told you; nor are you to ever tell anyone else about this!" He never asked anything more about it and we eventually moved away...and I was so glad that there was now geographical distance separating him from us.

THE NO TALK RULE – ALIVE & WELL!

The "NO TALK RULE" was in effect. This ugly chapter of confession is closed! I tied the pastor's hands – and in so doing, shut myself off from help. Exploratory surgery demands the full exposure of what's inside. We had tried for so long to get the thing healed without any exposure, especially me! Walking in the truth is never easy. But we love the definition of Intimacy. It is walking in such a way that "into me, see."

God knows everything that is going on in our lives anyway, so we might as well bring it into the light and talk with Him about it. I cannot tell you how much healing comes from being entirely open with each other as a married couple about what we are going through each day. Into-Me-See! The trust level increases. Ephesians 5:11-13, it says the opposite of the earlier scripture we quoted, when it says, "Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness; but rather expose them, for it is shameful what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible; for it is the light that makes everything visible." Romans 13:12 explains, "The night is nearly over and the day is almost here. So, let us put aside or cast off the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light." For me that was a fearsome thing to do, but it has brought about my own personal freedom to simply be me and not try to cover for Jay’s sin, or anyone else's. I am now open with Daryl like never before. He's the one I hid from my own true feelings and fears, because I didn't want to weigh him down with my stuff. We are now mutually accountable to the Scriptures and each other...and the Body of Christ. Honesty and openness is the best possible means of healing and wholeness. I have stopped interfering with the process of sowing and reaping.

REBUILDING TRUST

Jay: There is a period of time involved in rebuilding trust. I just couldn't understand why Susie didn't trust me once I got into recovery. "Come on, I've been in recovery now for three weeks. What else do I have to do to prove to you that I'm okay?" I am the one who wounded Susie so deeply. It is my responsibility to allow her plenty of room to heal, to mend, to deal with her own issues; because I am the offender. I have to own up to that truth and not demand that she now get on board and forget -- since I'm so wonderful to have joined an accountability group that meets once a month. "It's behind us now!"

Well, that may be the truth...after three years down the pike, but certainly not within a short period of time. Give your wife the space she really needs to heal. Trusting again takes time.

Susie: We have come to the point of putting our past under the Blessing, instead of the Cursing. That's a process and doesn't happen quickly or without a lot of hard work. But now, instead of cursing our past, we put it under the blessing. It is redemptive for us to now give out to you, in the hope that what we have learned may be a blessing to you.

THE BLESSING

Jay: We want to bless you today as you read this: "Father of our created human spirit; the Father of all creation and the wonderful idea of bringing together a man and woman in marriage, we appeal to You and we bless You for blessing us with Your Presence; Your Healing and Restoration. We bless this dear one who has read this ... that their marriage will be totally restored and healed; brought into that place where what the enemy has meant for evil and destruction will now become a blessing to them and others, through them. To each marriage that is in such pain and at different places in the journey through the sewage pipe, we are looking forward to that day when victory and freedom will be their reality, too. We ask that because we have come to know You are Faithful and the Redeemer of all things." Amen!