Letters to dad

Dear Dad,

As I was talking with my husband about being the child of a transgender parent, the Lord reminded me of something a dear friend said to me that was truth. I would like to share this with you dad. He said that there is a little girl and little boy in us. The trauma of childhood abandonment left me deeply wounded! The little girl in me can be fearful and angry at times, not wanting to trust a man; not wanting "him" to touch me so he can find pleasure! It disgusts me as "he" gazes upon my body, touching me! The adult in me has to gently encourage the "little one" in the Lord, usually with scripture or gentle words. I want to cry, it hurts so bad!

I have also been tormented (probably by Satan-for I war not against flesh and blood) the past few days I’ve wondered if I hadn't forgiven you and mom. I cry out in my heart, "I know I have! She did the best she could! I can't walk in bitterness like mom did! It destroyed her mind and body! Mom is a shell of her former self as Dimensia and Clinical Depression eat away at her mind!" As a child I daily walked in her bitter waters and have to daily resist the bitter infiltration into my own soul. This spiritual battle in my head drives me insane sometimes! It seems that there is no one to help me. However, thanks be to God, my Deliverer and Great Physician! Truly the "balm of Gilead" and the stripes on His back are enough for me! I surrender my battle and pain to him. "He restoreth my soul (renewing my mind too) for His name sake!"

This battle does affect my relationships with men, even how I view my own son. I hate it when I get in situations where I have to trust a man and the little girl cries out "NO!", wanting to run away! I pray that as I continue to grow, that the adult (in the spirit of God) in me learns to parent the child in me. For it is written, "He (Heavenly Father) is a father to the fatherless and a mother to the motherless." Though I was emotionally abandoned by you dad, I always had my Heavenly Father. "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh! Blessed be the name of the Lord!"

Your Daughter


Dear Dad

I am sorry about all the pain in your life. I am sorry for the struggle that you carry within yourself. I want you to know that I do love you and always had. There were times I wanted to hate you because I hated how your struggle affected your life and us, your family.

Dad, I want and need you to know what your struggle has left me with. I sought else where for a dad. My heart and soul yearned to be “daddy’s little girl”, but inside I knew that never would be. I desired so much to have a loving father daughter relationship with you. I dreamed of you showing me how to dance the waltz. I desired to be all that you could of wanted a daughter to be. I needed you to teach me about life. I dreamed of you teaching me through our relationship of what I should look for in a man.. I dreamed of you walking me up the aisle on my wedding day and feeling like a man not wanting to be me, the bride. I so needed you to look at me with pride. I needed you to not look at my body in envy. I needed you to not to make me feel guilty about being a girl. I needed and dreamed you would love me not for what I was (female) more then you loved me as your daughter.

Dad you violated me when you touched me.. You now have left me with scars that I will have to overcome. I wish with all of my heart you had not done this unto me. I needed you to love me as your daughter. I needed you to be proud of whom I was, your daughter. Dad, no matter what you believe you are my dad and I am your daughter.

Dad, I learned at a very young age to cling to my heavenly father. I did not understand why things were the way they were. But I did trust God to help pull me through it. I never questioned why to God. I just knew God had not left me here to carry all the pain, confusion and hurt alone. I knew my heavenly father was with me. I wish dad that you knew God and could trust him as I do.

Your Daughter