Family Emotions

A family's emotions are in turmoil as each member faces the reality of Gender Identity Disorder and seeks to understand its roots, Sometimes you just want to give up and go into hiding. You have never encountered anything that hurt this much. Your heart seems ready to break and is suffering at a depth you never thought possible.

You struggle with anger. You feel you have a right to be angry; you---your whole family---have been deeply wounded by someone you love. You feel as if you've been discarded; thrown on the garbage pile; that you're unimportant.

Sadness will, no doubt, encompass you. Losing a loved one to this disorder is somewhat like dealing with a death in the family but with no subsiding of the pain. It goes on and on. You have difficulty getting past it. You know the person you have lost; you have hopes and dreams for that person---but that person is no longer who you understand them to be. You may show signs of depression---retreating from life around you and from those who love you and want to care for you. The idea of facing “tomorrow”---of taking part in daily activities---holds no interest anymore. Your whole being is tied up in the loss of someone you love.

Feelings of abandonment, of having been deserted, can overpower you. Parents can feel the abandonment of a beloved child; spouses can feel the desertion of their mate and the breaking of what they thought was a life-long commitment to each other; children can feel discarded by a parent----the loss of a father figure.

How is it possible to deal with these emotions without letting them destroy you and take away any joy in living? Perhaps the first thing to do is find someone you can trust to talk to…you need to share the burden. You need to bring this heaviness out into the light with someone you know you can trust. If you choose a counselor, make sure you check first to find out what they think about this Gender Identity Disorder/life-style. Do you have a trusted pastor or friend with whom you can be honest? Talk, cry, yell out loud if it helps, but find a way of letting your hurt OUT.

Allow yourself the freedom to have these emotions. The emotions are a natural progression and are not a sign of weakness. But don't “wallow” in them; work with someone to talk your way through them to a healthier state of mind. This won't make the anger and hurt and depression go away but it will help you deal with them and give you time for reflection and development of coping tools.

If you can't pray yourself, find someone who will pray for you and with you for the lifting of this black, all-encompassing cloud. Realize that this addiction of your loved one has the capability to steal your joy. It is up to you to reach out for support and love from those who care and will listen.

How can you help children through the devastating experience of finding out their parent or sibling has a gender-identity problem? Should you keep this information from them if possible? What should you share? How much do they really need to know? Will the children be affected by what their parent is doing? How will they feel if they are expected to play along with daddy being a “woman?” These are realistic concerns.

Even after all the years that have passed in my own experience, my mother has never received any counseling. I can see the negative effects this has had on her life. A part of her died with my dad. His life-style robbed my mom of any pleasure of being a woman. She lost her desire to dress up or to wear any make-up. My father stole her happiness and her womanhood from her. His addiction became her addiction; they lived it in different ways. The addiction tore them apart emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I watched her wither and die, slowly like a tree, stripped of its branches and bark.

We all desire to be reunited with our loved one. But, remain true to what you know to be right and truthful. Our bodies can only take so much hurt before they begin to shut out and shut down. The cost of unity with a loved one who is living a lie can cost us much more than we can give. The following visual might be helpful in seeing what an unhealthy cycle we can get into if we don't reach out for help and support:

There is no place for healing when we stay in this cycle

However, in this example, there is opportunity for healing to begin: