A Dad's Torment - A Daughter's Anguish

by Jay & Denise

(Jay’s diary entries are met with Denise’s responses & reflections: Please note that Denise is not Jay’s daughter’s name. Denise is the daughter of a man who became a post-operative female, who shares her adult perspectives and anguish in response to Jay’s reflections).

Jay: “How can I ever do without my daily routine of cross-dressing? It is entirely too painful to think of its horror. I cannot possibly survive without this, my source of life, purpose, satisfaction, and sense of well-being! Don’t even suggest that I will have to cut this out of my daily diet, you well-meaning religionists or ignorant therapists! No way! I will die without it! I have got to live and the only way I can survive is as the woman I should have been, Jennifer Elaine.”

Denise: I was forced to wonder daily if my dad was wearing my underwear … or perhaps some of his own that he may of had hidden, when the bedroom door was shut in the evening?

I shuddered to think of what he might be doing in there.

When you say, "The only way I can survive is as the woman I should have been," are exactly what my dad used to say. He truly felt that if he did not escape his family and take a chance for the life he so long desired to enjoy, his life was over.

Jay: ”I feel so stupid and inadequate to fulfill the role of the male. I feel that I am out of place in this body, this time in history, this sexual/gender identity. I cannot feel any differently about myself. I am predominantly female in my innermost thoughts and feelings. I have come to feel nothing but intense hatred for manhood! Sometimes, (like today), I nearly go crazy thinking about once again being dressed in female clothing and living as Jennifer Elaine. I cannot wait to once again see her (Jennifer Elaine’s) reflection in the mirror.”

Denise: My dad felt inadequate to fulfill the role as a male, as a father/husband … and as a son. He could never measure up to his dad’s standards and as a father/husband role. He played the role of a wife/mother more naturally. I still remember the day my mother was in the hospital; my dad and I were in the living room. My dad folded the laundry, while he was humming and whistling. I remember looking at him and thinking, ‘how odd that he seems so content and relaxed in this role.’ My dad never seemed to believe he was good enough of a man for my mom. It seemed like he was always fighting within himself and believing that he was who he was … a WOMAN.

Jay: ”I have lived too long in this daily torment of being a woman and having to function as a man.

I have tried to put an end to my conflicting thoughts and emotions, but cannot. I simply must be honest about how I feel. I want so much to be at peace with who I feel myself to be: A WOMAN!

I hate manhood and can no longer tolerate having male sex organs, or the feelings associated with having them. The incessant drive to obtain sexual orgasm is totally repulsive to me. I renounce masculinity, intentionally removing everything in my world that has anything to do with being a male. I hate men and even more, I hate being numbered among them! It’s totally deplorable!”

Denise: My dad always wanted to be with women even at church meetings. He preferred to pray with the other women; or when visiting the neighbors, he’d always seek out a one-on-one conversation with the woman of the house. This made me very uncomfortable, because as he sought the woman time and time again, I knew he was desiring to get closer to them and their world; to be more like them. I would wonder if the women would look at this as odd or not? Would they catch on and if they did what did that mean for my family? I felt embarrassed about his actions of sitting at the table with the neighbor and his wife because I would know by his giggle (and other signs), what he was probably thinking and feeling.

Jay: “I will to live as Jennifer; to think, feel, behave and to be HER in every conceivable way!

I hate, detest, loathe, disdain, despise, reject, abhor, denounce, turn away from completely, once and for all remove from my mind anything that even reminds me of the horrors of being compelled to have lived as a man. Manhood is not for me! There is nothing, short of suicide, that will deter me from this lifelong goal. I WILL BE JENNIFER, EVEN IF IT KILLS ME!”

Denise: I know my dad at one point gave his gun collection to his father, telling him he was afraid of committing suicide. It hurts to know that someone you love is in such turmoil that he would even think about suicide … instead of seeking God's healing, or instead of choosing his own family, or instead of choosing his own wife; or INSTEAD of choosing for God to win this battle along side of him. He believed and went along with all of the lies Satan had fed him for so many years. He did not know how to recognize Satan's attack upon his life. He contemplated Suicide instead of allowing God to heal his damaged emotions and move thereby steadily into his own Manhood. I did not understand as much as I do now. But I knew it was not right … and my heart ached for him.

Jay: “I cannot concern myself about how others feel anymore. I must be the woman I am supposed to be! The ache I have inside in never being able to express who I really am is almost more than my mind can any longer endure. It is too painfully unjust. I didn’t ask for this, God! I have tried, (and you, God, know I have tried!), but have discovered that life isn’t worth living as a man. Manhood just doesn’t fit!”

Denise: My dad did not concern himself with "us" … but cared primarily about himself and what he could do to exclude anyone who stood in the way of what he "wanted" This was hurtful because of many reasons. One of those was because I truly loved him and stayed faithful to him through all of his trials with this addiction. But, his will and wants took precedence over me … and everything / everyone else did not matter him. We were on the bottom of list. Weren’t we supposed to be at the top of his list? At least that is the way we wished to have been placed. Satan was winning the battle at this point and my dad just thought it was about what he wanted or needed. How deceived he had become. How foolish! How very selfish!

Jay: ”Looking at my own reflection in the expanse of glass before me, I thought that I looked so pretty. And I’m standing here, (I mused), not in the self-conscious way of a man encircled by women; but as one miraculously transformed in appearance to be readily accepted as another woman among them; not as a male intrusion. An admixture of emotions and thoughts swelled within me. Why can’t this always be the way of life for me? I was filled with tidal waves of anger, bitterness, and rage -- that I could enjoy such blissful acceptance, but only for a stolen moment. Then, nearly as quickly as those thoughts and feelings subsided, I saw through the facade and caught a glimpse of the man beneath the carefully constructed exterior, muttering in contempt, It is true, neither sex is mine. I belong to neither world, or to a ‘third sex,’ one that hasn’t yet been named. I felt like a freak of nature one moment, a replicated form of my mother in the next.”

Denise: My dad wrote a poem called, "In the Mirror." He was talking of his reflection and the inability of others to see inside of his reflection. I came across the poems he wrote after he passed away. They all were filled with pain and hurt, so much hurt. Also, in a letter, he talked about having had a homosexual affair which troubled him so because of still being married. (He was living as a transsexual then). He did not seem to feel he fit into either role when it came to the sexual relationships.

Jay: “I’m a Christian and married. I’m a heterosexual male. I am a church leader. I just cannot pick up and go to Trinidad for sex-reassignment. I know instinctively that surgical alteration will not really eradicate the deeper unresolved issues of my soul.”

Denise: I have learned one thing: It does not matter if you go to church (my dad did), if you are church leader or go to prayer meetings (my dad did), or if you walked with the Bible in your hand (my dad did), or if you’re married and have children (my dad did that, too!). I can be talking to a man and , yes, even while I'm speaking or listening to him, I’m looking for signs (that my dad had manifested), to see if I can possibly pick up on something that may tell me he struggles with any of these issues. Even in a restaurant I will notice if a man has his legs crossed; (my dad shared with me that would be one way of letting me know when he was wishing he were a woman). Those words have never left me and I doubt they ever will.

If I see a man cross his legs like women do when they are wearing dresses, I will look numerous times at that person to see if his legs are still crossed … and hear my dad's voice saying, "If I'm sitting in a chair and have my legs crossed like women do, then you'll know I'm feeling this way.” A further question I have for you, dad, is this: “How could you, my dad, be abusing your body so by growing breasts while still wanting to be my dad? Dad's don't have breasts! How can you think about SRS … and want a normal family unit, too? It does not work that way! You have deformed our family by even thinking we could welcome you as a woman.”

Jay: “Of course, I have a skilled surgeon who assures me that he can change my outward physical appearance most convincingly; but what about that intrinsically gender essence of manhood? Who can change that?”

Denise: No matter what changes my dad thought would bring him happiness, the outside alterations were never going to fix the inside. It was like he thought the SRS would not just change the outside, but would also somehow miraculously scrape the old junk inside out as well …and replace his inner being. What?

Jay: “I am not trying to be dramatic, but find my self entombed in that which is totally unbearable, this damnable alien habitation within a man’s body. I find manhood unbearable! I’m simply wanting to be a female; to be forever done with the stupid trappings, especially the idiotic male-sex-drive. I find it all so disgusting! Today I cross-dressed on four different occasions in order to get the emotional relief my heart required. It was good to see myself once again draped in feminine softness. As I write this, I’m wearing a slip and pantyhose beneath my sweat-suit. My body is completely shaved; my elation is at its highest peak, even though just partially clad in women’s things. It goes entirely too deep. Why was I born this way, with these male protrusions? This is an indescribable anguish of heart.”

Denise: With these words Jerry has shared, it is just as though he has taught me/us about the inner confusion and the all-consuming addiction involved within transsexuality. If someone reads this and does not understand the heart of the matter, they’d undoubtedly mutter, "what a weirdo!” Or, worse, “He’s crazy!" But when you realize this is a deeply established addiction cycle sourced from deeply enmeshed emotional wounds, you see that dressing like and acting in the role of the woman is something that brings comfort to him, providing a certain emotional release of the indwelling stress; while the lies become all the more steadily and deeply entrenched within the heart and mind of the victim called, “The Transsexual.” That is why the man, the dad, the brother, the uncle, the preacher, the teacher, the husband, will all come to believe the lies; finally ending up saying, “I’m really a woman trapped in a man’s body!” It is in the understanding of these beliefs/lies and feelings that we can begin to comprehend the depth of the pain and the necessity for a more compassionate approach to the man who insists upon saying, “I am a woman! I want to be who I really am! This double-life isn’t worth living!”

Jay: "But how do I fulfill my selfish demands and not lose every human relationship I love, too? Therein lies the insurmountable obstacle: I cannot be a male, yet I don’t know how I can become a full-time female without the removal, not just of a male’s sexual apparatus, but everyone I love and care about. My former life would be ended forever!"

Denise: I have learned, not just from my experience, but many others -- that we share a common grief over a loved one who is bound by sexual addictions; addictions that caused the loved one to ultimately choose their selfishness over their family. I have also come to see how Satan can and does attack the families. For if he takes the husband/father away, he has not just won a victory over the male role model; but has also effectively removed the masculine strength of the male in their home, leaving the wife subject to unending anguish and unanswered questions such as , "What did I do wrong?" "Was I not woman enough for him in sexual relations?" "Why am I alone now without a mate?" And the children ask, "Was I bad in some way to cause this?" "Is it because I was born a girl?

Did that cause his envy?” Or, "How can I ever think my dad loved me as his son, when all the while he wished he were a girl? Does he also disapprove of me as a son?” "Do I make him uncomfortable?" And, “I feel abandoned by my dad, which has left me hating to be a man myself!” Some children resort to developing their own ways to cope with their dad’s abandonment, by embracing their own form of emotional escape through addictions. So, Satan enters their minds and hearts … (just as he did my dad), to cause confusion and lies that the innocent child begins to believe. Now, Satan has done his work by effeminizing the strong masculine dad, so he can have unhindered access to each family member at all levels, ultimately destroying what God had created.

Jay: "My new life would be filled with an unexplainable huge blank page from my past life. I see my new-found transsexual friends trying to befriend others, only to eventually discover the new people are not as enthralled as we are about the radical change and new life we possess. In fact, it readily becomes apparent that the past never really is the past; for it eventually comes into the present reality. How can I just show up at some city, job, church, or social setting without a trace of family relations from the past? I do not see that this comes close to reality. Is that the life I want to be faced with? I don’t think so."

Denise: I've recently read a book that states how the most impressionable events in life remain close to our memories. No matter how much we think tomorrow will be a fresh start, that will not erase all of the events in our mind. SRS will not make the mind erase what gender you really born with, or what event's in life hurt you the most and are still hurting.

Jay: "Just slipping into the dress today made me feel at one with my real-feminine self. I thought of the many times I have come home from an exhausting day, slipped off my shoes and plopped myself on the couch in utter delight, saying, “at last, I’m finally home!” Well, that’s how I felt today while cross-dressed and each time I am Jennifer: I’m finally at home! I consume every moment and savor it like nourishment for my weary soul. It alone gives me cause to yet live."

Denise: Think how empty someone feels while trapped in this kind of thought process; how very wounded they must be emotionally to always think that an experience of anyone else could be so satisfying and completing to their damaged heart and soul which is crying out for healing and help.

Jay: "I’m intensely angry and confused. I stood there in the doorway of two contradictory and consuming emotions: delight and disgust. Delight in knowing that at least for the moment, I was fully accepted as the woman portrayed to them; I had pulled the illusion off successfully enough to go undetected by their unseeing eye.' Disgust, in feeling like a freak if they had the capacity to look beneath the feminine wrappings. I loathe all of this! How can I go in this miserable existence without going entirely mad? Always longing for what I can never have. Always in pain within. Constantly doing what I cannot (in more rational moments) conceive to be true; all the while knowingly suppressing the excruciating, instinctive knowledge that I am the one in the wrong. Today, as I caught my reflection in the retail department outlet, it was obvious that anyone who would bother to take a second look ... would discern that I was really a man wearing a woman’s dress. Must I forever be doomed to this? I was really a man wearing a woman’s dress."

Denise: That is the truth speaking out in simple words speaking to heart and soul. It’s like the light bulb went on inside. We can easily see it … but the struggler can not.

Jay: "I don’t remember ever being normal. What is that? Can God put something in me that has never lastingly remedied my plight? If I rid myself of this glorious escape, what would then be present to replace it? I thought so! You don’t have an answer, either!"

Denise: Seems like the words are searching for the truth and reaching into how someone is feeling inside and searching for answers, but perhaps the answers they don't want to hear.

Jay: "I cannot escape the relentless thoughts and desires of my heart to fulfill the long-awaited dream; but I ‘m no longer just a mere dreamer, but am now pushing myself headlong into what my heart has wanted all these years. I will not let anything or anyone stop me! I cannot let other’s views deter me from reaching my true-destiny. It is the only thing that gives me purpose for living. It is my life, my true love. All that would detain me must get out of my way! I want to believe that you, God, are with me in this venture. But even if You're not, I say to you as well, GET OUT OF MY WAY! I can and will do nothing other than this. I will be a woman no matter the cost. Nothing, or No one will stop me."

Denise: You know how we pray, "If it's your will Lord"? It seems like those words are replaced by other words which say, “I hope and trust, Lord, that the end results of this choice I’m making will not have too many ill-effects, or may even be in your will; because I’m determined to do it anyway, hoping for a positive outcome regardless of my rebellion against YOU.” The end result is evidently obvious: It is a matter of seeking out OUR will, not our father's.

Jay: "Today marks the end of an entire weeks’ abuse of my own genitals. I have securely placed tourniquets of all kinds, ranging from rubber bands to metal hose clamps, to punish them for existing. I loathe possessing male genitals! I am pleased to report that they are entirely blackened from their lack of nourishment of either blood or oxygen. The pain is severe, mounting by the minute. But who cares? I do not look at this pain as awful or something I cannot bear. In fact, the entire week has been filled with exhilaration with the very prospect that they may thoroughly die! Oh, God, would you please let them die? I find sporting male genitals highly offensive for they define me as a male, something I am not. I want to be defined by the person I am, not be excessive skin folds dangling between my legs! I find being a male deplorable. Why do I want so badly to rid my body of these accursed things? I’ll explain it logically:

1) all men have them, 2) I hate men and resist being identified as one, 3) Therefore, I must get rid of them."

Denise: I used to wonder when my dad was touching my breast if it made him feel as though the breasts were a part of him as he would grab me and place me on the ground while holding them. At this point I really believed and still believe this. I remember thinking how he must truly hate his body.

Jay: "I wish that I could put an end to this misery. I am today very, very sad. I see myself as miserably (very possibly, or irreversibly?), emotionally ill. I’m afraid that I cannot ever be healed of this condition. I’m so afraid of the power that I have within myself to destroy all that I have loved and worked so hard to build. I feel immensely tired, exhausted, with any residual energy. I am weary of the battle, the incredible masquerade. I am lonely, so very lonely, feeling as though no one could ever understand, or care. The only way that I know to do away with the pain is to either kill myself; or have my sex gloriously changed, or experience some miraculously designed intervention from God. I have little or no hope for any genuine supernatural intervention, since I’ve given God plenty of opportunity for that. What, then, is there to change?"

Denise: Satan is winning! The words speak of being lonely, sad and destroying all that is dear to you. He has worn you down and left you feeling hopeless. Have you ever heard for yourself that no matter how much you ever pray, you will not get an answer? Well, when we pray and we don't get a “yes,” it is like a Christian doctor coming along side you and saying, we need to proceed forward with the surgery, etc., though we’ve prayed fervently for a miraculous healing to occur. Nevertheless, we learn that God’s answer was a “NO!” We got our answer all right; just not the one we would like or preferred.

Jay: "Remarkably, in September, when things reached their lowest point, it became apparent that God wanted to change my heart. He spoke to my tormented heart, assuring me that it was His creative Will for me to remain as I am and as a husband and father. I was assured somehow within that He was going to grant me strength to become a victor, leaving my victim-thinking behind. This was relieving, yet terribly frightening all at once (as well as unique), since I’m not one given to overt religious experience. It was a frightening prospect, this thing to be transformed in my deepest heart regarding my real or perceived gender status in the world. I have no idea of the changes that will transpire."

Denise: The truth has been SEEN and PRAYERS were answered. Thanks to you alone, God!

Jay: "I feel as though I am finally integrating within. I feel more and more complete as a human being. I constantly deal with the lingering and rather constant old messages from my past, that being a woman is better and would have been my best choice. However, the more therapy I have, the more whole I feel … and that is all I truly want; to be whole."

Denise: Jay, I think this part reminds us again of how much it is an addiction. I have a brother who is an alcoholic. I know from time to time he really struggles to stay away from that first drink. It makes sense and requires great internal fortitude to say “NO!” to our addictions, for in doing so, we are directly confronting the many lies with the truth, replacing the old messages with new ones.

Jay: "I have to trust that whatever gender I am, my human spirit will ultimately agree with God’s choice to just be me."

Denise: This is agreeing with God and tells us all that this is all a matter of healthy choices, not something we cannot change, or perhaps not willing to change. It is a choice followed by many other productive and healing choices, one day at a time.

Jay: "Is anyone willing to walk with me through the ugly morass of my past psychological wounds and scars? Is anyone willing to fight and to weep with me as stability makes its roots deeper than my former instability? Can anyone grasp God’s Grace enough to discover with me what it is that scares people like me so much about living in our God-given gender roles? Can you understand that all we transgender folks are trying to accomplish is to survive, to live at peace within and without, to have some sense of congruity and happiness? To be loved and accepted? To be whole?"

Denise: This makes the point of how very much we’ve been educated wrongly about these things by the world’s system (the devil’s intrusions!) of thought and very faulty beliefs. It is our concerted purpose to provide reliable, God-centered, compassionate and Biblical approaches to these matters of the human soul & Spirit; to the people needing to walk in the Truth of who they are created to be. Thanks be to our Lord that He is educating and enlightening ministries and the Body of Christ on these issues, who have often been left unaddressed within church settings. “Choice” is the operative word and “Living in the Truth,” is the other.