My Confessional

by Jimmy

(Entered in Jimmy's Prayer Journal just two weeks prior to his scheduled date for sex change surgery)

GOD, I need your help here!
I do not expect it or feel I deserve it.
Look at the deplorable things I have said, thought, done!

I have managed to live a double life for the best
part of my miserable existence.
And now for well over a year's duration ...
doing things I myself find impossible to believe.
Do I need to chronologue them?
NO! You, my God, know them all!

I have brought the most horrible shame upon myself.
My self-centeredness, childish narcissism, horrid and most unthinkable deeds:

The lies.
The hidden.
The immoral.
The pride.
The shameful.
The treachery.
The plotting.
The masquerade...the fear of discovery.
The satisfaction in that for which You died!

I'm on a collision course ... with no one to rescue me.
There is nothing now hidden that will not be one day openly revealed.
My selfish heart will be then read and known by all.
Oh! The anguish of the mere thought.
There seems to be no lasting remedy, no real solution.
I am so ashamed and afraid.
I dare not lift my eyes to You, for the full
extent of my traitorous deeds are without number;
very possibly without excuse, or remedy!

My numbed emotions have blocked out the Truth
and the full weight of my betrayals, my shame, my
remorse.
Fear overtakes me.
Dread haunts my every step.
Fear ... that I'm out of reach;
certainly beyond a human's ability to forgive.
Dread ... that if kindly forgiven once more, I'd slavishly repeat the damnable cycle.

Whatever faith remains ...
I now employ with this request;
that you forgive me and restore my wounded soul.

I have harmed and deeply offended those I love the most, especially the most precious woman ...
with whom you granted me permission to share life,
as well as my precious family.

I have devastated my own soul, very possibly my own eternal destiny.
I have dishonored Your Name.
I cannot go on, go back, or stay in this masquerade;
yet feel this fatalistic tug that requests "just one more dance?"

It seems a terrible, almost laughable affront to once more plead for your acceptance and forgiveness.
You are the ALMIGHTY and entirely JUST ONE.
You alone know the intents of my heart.
You alone can judge rightly.

I need help – Your help!
Your healing.
Please help me.
Do not let me drown in this sorrow,
or hang in Judas' noose of mere remorse!
Nor let me perish in my sin.

Please help and save me.
Purge my soul of this idolatry of self.
Please comfort those I have offended and betrayed.
Please forgive me the countless ways I've lived independently of You.
My worship of the created, please forgive!
And my reckless abuse to Your Grace. am