Care-givers and Cross-dressers

Author’s note: All names used have been changed in order to protect the identity of those involved.

Transgender confusion and cross-dressing is becoming popular and widely accepted in today’s permissive anything goes cultural climate. There are many websites and email groups now in existence which support the popular notion that there is nothing wrong with those who engage in these activities…and that to suggest there is comes from an uninformed, bigoted, and intolerant evil, proposed by wild right wing religious fanatics who are completely out of touch with reality and the 21st century. But that’s just not the case. Read on.

 

The Reality Resources web site explores other options without getting into judgmentalism, or consigning people to hell for their sexual and gender identity disorder. It also provides help for family members, spouses, clergy, counselors and anyone interested in an honest and candid look at the underlying reasons for such activity and its resolution. The web site is produced by a married couple (Jerry and Charlene Leach) who have worked together towards the husband’s resolution of his life-long battle with gender confusion. We want to provide you with sound Biblical and psychological insight into understanding and dealing with this condition. If you are ready for a taste of reality and open-minded discussion, then this is the article for you. You can find workable approaches to coming to terms with these internal emotional conflicts and read the accounts of many others who have done the same.

This web site also introduces you to the wife of a transsexual who now shares her story in depth, as well as her many insights, with other struggling wives.

You can write her and her husband at www.realityresources.com. Jerry schedules telephone appointments to personally speak with you and help you understand the true motivations for what you or your loved one is doing. You will discover many written publications, as well as audio and video tapes that they have produced for you to better comprehend the reasons for such confusing notions. They also provide weekend seminars for those dealing with these matters. This couple has been doing this kind of outreach for 16-17 years and has understandably become very well informed about these issues. They can ultimately put you in touch with others like yourself who have found lasting freedom from transgender behaviors and desires.

God has a plan for your life and it consists mainly of your fulfilling your God-given destiny in your congruent self, not the fractured, damaged, and self-created identity that has dominated your thinking and emotions, that has resulted in much conflict and pain. Become a part of God’s intention and learn to live in your God-given identity with incredible peace and purpose. It takes courage to change, but you too can do it.

We hope that you will e-mail Jerry Leach at counseline@aol.com.

Following is a response Charlene Leach gave to a man who fervently opposed the work we do to help a person come to terms with the reasons and resolutions for their transgender desires:

Dear K,

Your thoughts brought back lots of memories. I lived with a man for over 20 years who thought very much like that much of the time. And I understand that when that is your mindset and you fellowship with others who support you in it, it would be foolishness for me to try to convince you otherwise.

But I will tell you assuredly, that as a wife who once lived with a man who thought that way and who believed he was a woman trapped in a man’s body and who at one time went on hormones, etc., I want you to know that it is an agonizing experience for a wife. Not only have I once lived it, but over the last 10 years I have spoken with many wives (and continue to each week) who are in the midst of it right now. Their husbands want them to accept it. Their husbands want to wear the negligees to bed with their wives. They want their wives to, in essence, turn into lesbians. And these women are heterosexual, but their husbands try to force this on them. Their husbands want to dress that way in front of their children, so they would have two mommas instead of a momma and a daddy.

These men are totally self-absorbed. They do not consider the damage this is doing to their children or their wives.

I now live with a man (the same man I spoke of earlier) who is now at home in his masculinity, who treats me with respect and dignity. He is a caring and compassionate man, a wonderful husband and a great grandfather to his nine grandchildren … because I have seen first hand the changes that occurred in him over the years as he untangled and dealt with the root causes for his gender-identity confusion, as he read books, sought counsel, received inner healing prayer, etc., and did the hard work of recovery…. because I know for a truth that there is hope for men who are in the same boat he once was in ….because I know that there is hope for these men and their wives and children and grandchildren, I want to shout it from the housetops… “There’s FREEDOM! Real, lasting Freedom from the agonizing, self-destructive, self-defeating life that comes with transsexualism and the damaging effects it has on families.”

I know you do not understand what it is like to be the wife of a transsexual. But I do. And my passion is to touch the lives of wives, as Jerry touches the lives of men, and come alongside them, and walk with them into the freedom we have found.

Blessings!

Charlene
 

The Vision of the Marriage Car
Originally appears on www.realityresources.com/vision.htm
Used by permission

We come to God's Altar and we make our marriage vows. I said, "I choose you, _______ to be my beloved husband. You said, "I choose you, __________, to be my beloved wife. Together we said, "From this day forward, to become one with you and to share all that is to come, and I promise to love you, to care for you, and to be faithful to you until death parts us." We get into the car, the Marriage Car. You are in the driver seat and I am on the passenger side. Later there are children in the backseat.

We are on a mountainous road with many curves. The road is called the Path to Righteousness. You start to drive the car to the edge of a cliff. Then you break through the guardrail that is God's boundary line for me. You say, "I am Woman and I want you to still be my wife." As I listen to God I hear Him say to me, "Woman marries Man. Woman should not marry Woman." To marry a woman violates my sense of right and wrong.

Now we are driving on the narrow shoulder outside the guardrail with my side of the car hanging over the cliff's edge. The ride is becoming more emotionally violent as you fight to maintain control of the Marriage Car while driving outside the guardrail. I see the dangerous place that we are in -- outside God's boundaries. I become more and more afraid of the crash that will send us plummeting over the cliff's edge on the rocks below. I scream at you, "Get back to the road where we will be safe!" I grab the steering wheel and try to steer us back to the road. I shout at you, "You are going to wreck the Marriage Car and I will die!"

We struggle for the control of the Marriage Car and there is anger, hatred, and bitterness building between us. I know it is not a good idea for me to put my hand on the steering wheel trying to take away your position as the leader and guide of the Marriage Car, but I do it out of panic. I push you and put my hands on the steering wheel. I tell you what you should do. Then I feel guilty and withdraw my hands from the wheel. I tell you, "I'm scared!!!!" You say, "Nonsense. The edge is rough but we will make it okay." You deny the inevitable crash.

The piece of truth that I was missing is that in this frightening, painful 18 years is that when you broke the guardrail and violated my trust, I had every right to get out of the Car and go back to stand on the road called Path of Righteousness. In the language of our culture, the contract was made under fraudulent terms, in deceit. You said you were Husband as we made our vows. After a time you said you were Woman. Therefore the contract is null and void. I do not need to honor this contract. In Bible language the covenant was broken. I am released from it. I can finally claim the TRUTH. "The truth will set you free." I do not want to be married to a woman, because as I listen to God I hear Him say, "That is wrong for you." To be married to a woman violates my sense of right and wrong.

I have had a deep sadness, then anger, then hatred, then bitterness. I heard other Christian voices say to me, "You should do everything possible to keep your marriage together. You need to obey your husband." Yet, my heart is saying, "To obey this person violates me. When we have sex, I feel deep despair." My inner voice says, "Women should not have sex with women."

So now I am taking my hand off the steering wheel of the Marriage Car. I am saying, "STOP the Car, I'm getting out of the Car because I don't want to go over the cliff with you." To honor God and to honor myself I need to listen to the inner voice: "Woman does not live married to a Woman." You may have control of the Marriage Car. That is your position as the Driver. If you want to crash the Marriage it is your choice.

What about the children in the back seat of the Car? I see that they are battered and bruised by the violent ride. I see that our son has an angry wound and he may die. They need to be out of the Car also and stand on the road marked Path of Righteousness. We will walk down the road together. There will be others who pass us in their Marriage Cars. They will say, "That woman should have stayed in her Car. Doesn't she know that the road is easier for children in the Marriage Car?"

It is true the best way for children to make a smooth passage on the Path is in a Marriage Car. For years I have stayed for their sake. Now I see that they need the Path more. So we will walk down the road. It will be harder than riding in the Car. We will get sore feet and fatigue. But God will walk with us. He will hold our hands. He will provide safe pastures and still waters to restore us.

What about you? What will happen to you when you drive the car off the cliff and crash on the rocks below? The truth is I don't know and you don't know. Only God knows. The Car will certainly be destroyed, but you may walk away miraculously unscathed and find your own path. Or you may be wounded, then crawl back out of the deep ravine to join us on the road. We will not have the benefits of the Marriage Car, but we will have God's grace. Or you may die in the crash. Only God knows. This week He has been telling me, "Step out of the way. ____________ is my child and I will deal with him."

I say, "Lord, here is my marriage. The Lord gives and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. He leads me in Paths of Righteousness for His namesake. Lord, here is _________. He is your child. It was wrong of me to try to push him, to protect him. He is in control of his body, his mind, and his spirit. You may have him."

OUR CHRISTIAN CONFESSION
from Jerry & Charlene Leach of www.realityresources.com
Used by permission

“We have not been genuine in our relationships. We have hidden the dark side of our hearts and neglected to let one another know of our secrets and pain. We have lived a very bland form of Christianity, holding to a form of godliness but denying the power of God to change us.

Afraid to honestly expose our own sins we have shoved away God’s offer to help and restore our wounded hearts. What we have allowed people to see is our false veneer or that which appears like what Christians are supposed to look like. Our hypocrisy has robbed us of many vital relationships and the healing God has provided through His Body, the Church.

Our insecurity has driven us to appear successful and spiritually alive. We have built temples to worship our own achievements and united collective activity of doing something for God. We have not made it our practice to become fully engaged with messy people who are trying to break self-destructive patterns, which will take a lifetime to heal. In our insecurity and fear we have been afraid to associate with those who are too ashamed to mention their private struggles and sins, taking away any prospect of hope from desperate people.

There is such dishonesty among us and a refusal to deal with things as they truly are. Many who have tried to find love and answers to their heart’s longings, have instead been groomed and accosted by leaders in illicit sexual encounters, and innumerable emotional and spiritual abuses.

We have been more concerned about how we’ve looked than in how we’ve loved. Our unspoken agreement has been, “I will not talk about my sin if you don’t mention yours.”

We have “kept family secrets” and enforced the “no talk rule” and “don’t feel rule” of our composite dysfunctional families. We’ve said in effect that sex sins are more shameful than other sins, and that sexual perversions are the worst sins of all. We’ve fed the very dynamics of shame that have kept all of us bound, impotent, and ineffective to set captives free.

Though our Heavenly Father is always seeking people in His great, compassionate love, we have for the most part rejected those who would make us uncomfortable. We have not provided a safe place of refuge for those coming out of crippling emotional conditions, either within our church or in our hearts.

When you have wanted and needed a safe, loving family in which you could be nurtured into health, we have not been there for you. Perhaps you’ve given up hope that there is such a place.

Would you please forgive us, Mighty God, for our complacency, hypocrisy and self-protective love? Would you, dear friend, please come home to the embrace of our Father as reflected in our care for you and our mutual desire to be “Jesus with skin on” to you? You’re part of us, it’s your birthright, and we need you.